Alive to the Universe...dead to the World.

The New and Imporved

2004-07-01T12:18:00.000-03:00

We can make him stronger...faster....better.

Well, it's been awhile since I've written anything here, and rightly so. I've been busy as fuck lately, keeping myself as physically active as possible, running and going to the gym at least once a day, and twice when I can. Now, granted...usually my "blogging" time would be in the wee hours of the morning...but ever since exercising constantly, I actually feel tired BEFORE 1 in the morning. One day in June I actually fell asleep before 11...which is probably a first since....ohhh, grade 10 maybe? I actually forgot how good a feeling it was...to actually be tired at the end of the day, I mean...and not force yourself to go to bed just because no other living thing is up and you probably should.

And that's just one of the perks...I feel great. Physically and mentally. I'm shedding off the excess pounds from winter AND from the last year and a half of taking metabolism-slowing, motivation-killing 'medication'. Well, I shouldn't say shedding pounds as much as shedding fat...because I actually weigh the same...but am noticibly thinner, and am actually starting to get back my six-pack stomach from around the first year of universtiy, when I was somewhere between 'ridiculously thin' and 'emaciated'...except now I'm neither.

I feel stronger than I've ever been in my life, and only afer 3 weeks, I'm making great progress at the gym. I'm also starting to get back into my rabid interest of martial arts...reading of them voraciously, practicing technique, doing heavy-bag work, and working on my flexibilty daily. If I had a quarter for everytime someone at the gym asked me who I boxed for or what club I was in after seeing me on the heavy bag, I'd have...well, uh...6 quarters...but it still feels great, considering I guess it means I actually still know what I'm doing,(or at least look like it haha) even though I haven't actually boxed in a club since grade 4.

Also, on the mental side of self-improvement...I'm doing a little studying on speed-reading...and the whole thing is really facinating. I actually had my doubts, seeing that this particular book I simply downloaded off Imesh, but just after about half-way thru it, and doing a few exercises, I'm able to read about 5 times as fast as I was before...and actually have BETTER retention of what I've read. It's a really facinating read, even if you have no real interest in speed-reading, yourself...talking about how the way we learned to read (phoenetically) is good initially, but now holds us back, since most people as a result actually have a voice in their head that sounds out the words as they read them, whereas the human mind can think and process information many many times faster than one can speak. One exercise (this is just a little one) is to practice counting in your head while you're reading, thereby eliminating that inner-voice dictating the words to you, and allowing your mind to process the information closer to the speed of thought, rather than the almost infinitely slower speed of language. Even after doing this a few times, I found drastic improvement.
I dunno...I, myself find it pretty interesting...and it really makes me wonder what other things we as a race are doing that are holding us back from what we could possibly be.

And, finally...everything is done with the armed forces...now, it's just a matter of waiting to hear back from them, though I'm not sure when that will be. So, in the meantime, I'm going down to Halifax to stay with a friend of mine who is just moving there in mid July, and we're going job hunting together, and if I find a job and everything goes as planned, I'm moving in with my friend Kim if we can find a decent place...which I imagine we can.

That's about all I got for now. Hopefully the next one will come in less than a month...for Bryan's sake.
(I gotta say...I've never been called an 'unblogging fuck' before haha)
Adios.

(and yes, I am aware I mispelled 'improved')

The Missing Card

2004-05-27T23:17:00.000-03:00

Feeling kinda down, today.
And, honestly, I feel like I have no real right to ever be down.
I mean, I came into this game with a hand a lot of people can only wish for.
I was born to a great family, that love me with all they have. I was born healthy and lively, save for asthsma, which I outgrew years ago. I was born in Canada...Definitely one of the more well-off countries in the world, and I'll most likely never have to worry about wide-spread war, famine or disease in my lifetime. I've got decent genes...Not too tall, not to short (well, maybe a little) not stupid, 20/16 vision, not bad-looking, and get along well with most people. (I mean, I'm no 'Prince Charming', for sure...But overall, not too bad a guy, I'd like to think.)

So, I have absolutely no right to ever complain.
And yet, it seems I've been doing it more and more as of late.

Lately, I've just found myself waiting...like, waiting for one card to be dealt that will complete my hand. Everyone else, they get their cards dealt, and they put hands together over time, and they cash them in, getting their earnings...and all the while I just sit there waiting...passing up each card as it comes, waiting for that one card that will form the hand I want...that will unleash all I have to offer to the world, all this potential I feel expanding, yet growing stagnant inside of me, in the best possible way. (yes, I know that's not how poker works...but that aside, it's a decent analogy...shut up.)

There are other times I consider just dropping out of the game all together.

Ummm...hmmm....that probably gives the wrong impression...I don't mean dropping out of the game as in "dropping out of the game'...I mean it as in abandoning all the values that are forced upon us in this society, that take the place of ones of a higher, more authentic nature...forget about "cashing in"...just step up from the table, throw my cards down and hit the road. Take a couple of the survival books I've been reading religiously, a few supplies and just hike as far south as I can.

Am I the only person since Jack Kerouac who has considered this?
Things today...they're too...safe...too secure. As long as we are willing to be obedient to someone else, we will always have things handed to us...sure, maybe not as many things as we want...but definitely enough to survive...and therein lies the problem...
I think people, because of the ease of living today (I say ease of living as in literal 'ease of living'...staying alive...I know alot of people are pretty hard up for things, and supporting their families the way they would like, but I mean literally 'keeping ones self alive'...and even homeless people won't starve to death.)we've grown to take survival...indeed, life itself, forgranted. Gone are the days when we would have to hunt and scavenge for food, outwitting the wild, enduring nature, and competing with others for the very right to live long enough to even pass on our genes.
Now...now we live in a place where we are pretty much guaranteed survival in comparison. We work a job for someone else...we earn our money...we go down to the grocery store and buy what we need to live. This probably seems all well and good at first...but then, the human animal...with survival now childs play far under our belt...we begin to look for somethin more...something else to fulfill us, and that missing sense of accomplishment some of us have. Simply surviving, since it's been broken down into nothing more than overcoming minor obstacles at our place of work that leave us (or at least, me) unfulfilled, and going to the grocery store and picking up a pre-butchered, grease-soaked chicken, doesn't give us that 'rush', that sense of accomplishment and overcoming of adversity, and even death itself, that makes being alive worthwhile. (Unless, of course...the chicken in question comes alive and engages us in mortal combat in our kitchen...but that's only happened to me once.)Sure...there is adversity in our lives today...but nothing near as primal...as visceral...as downright raw as struggling just to last another day. And maybe for some people, that can cut it. Maybe for some people, it doesn't.

But people, we're a tricky species. We're adaptive...and being so, many of us have ways of coping;
Some people try to amass wealth and material possessions, actually building stockpiles of 'survival', and pitting it in competition with other's possessions.
Others join the military or some other fighting force, maybe even become criminal, hoping for excitement...hoping for the actual chance to experience life at it most threatened and fullest state. On the edge.
Still others pay good money to do extreme things like sky-diving, rock-climbing or bungee jumping to create the illusion of an imminent death, and then stare it in the face...

...and, of course, some people don't know how the fuck to deal with it at all...living their lives day-to-day with the nagging feeling that there's a piece of the puzzle they're just not seeing. Or more accurately, maybe buried underneath a bunch of pieces that don't even fit anywhere.

It's not too hard to guess where I fit in.
(though I have tried skydiving, and MAN...what a fucking rush...don't pass up the chance to go if you ever get it).

I mean, it just seems strange to me. Is it really necessary for us to extinguish the very flame of life...what it means to actually fight to be alive...in order to satisfy our fear of being burned?

Who knows what I'll do.
Maybe I'll hold out for that one card I need...that one Jack to make that Royal Flush.
Maybe I'll fold this hand after years of holding out for that one card, and just leave it all behind...Experience what it really feels like to be alive; to hold, even for one fleeting moment, everything dear and sacred...to be overwhelmed with the visceral significance that comes hand-in-hand with absolute necessity.

I mean, why not? A royal flush missing a Jack...well, it's just an Ace-high, at best.

2004-05-27T15:06:00.000-03:00

Just another great quote from Waking Life, that I feel relates to my previous post;

"Alex: You can't fight city hall. Death and taxes. Don't talk about politics or religion. This is all the equivalent of enemy propaganda rolling across the picket line. Lay down G.I.! Lay down G.I.! We saw it all through the 20th century, and now, in the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not submit to de-humanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control: those that control my life, and those that seek to control it even more. I want freedom, that's what I want! And that's what you should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose and just suck up the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control; Make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny. We have got to realize that we're being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave-state. The 21st century is going to be a new century, not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, and classism and statism, and all the rest of the modes of control. It's going to be the age of humankind standing up for something pure, and something right. What a bunch of garbage: liberal, democrat, conservative, republican. It's all there to control you! Two sides of the same coin. Two management teams bidding for control, the CEO job, of Slavery Inc.! The truth is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of lies. I'm sick of it and I'm not going to take a bite out of it, do you got me?! Resistance is not futile, we're gonna win this thing, humankind is too good, we're not a bunch of under-achievers! We're gonna stand up, and we're gonna be human beings. We're going to get fired up about the real things, the things that matter: creativity and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit. Well, that's it, that's all I got to say. The ball's in your court."

If you want to read more quotes from the movie, go here...it has every single conversation in the film...which makes it a great reference...even for those who've watched the movie...since, in dialogue, it's all so much to take in at once.

A question of questions

2004-05-27T00:12:00.000-03:00

How do you do it?

How do you work 20-40 hours at some boring, menial-task job without slowly committing some sort of drawn-out mental suicide?
Don’t misunderstand…this isn’t some sort of sarcastic passive/aggressive insult to all of you out there struggling to get by…this an honest to god question…one I need to have answered, either by someone else, or by something that just one day switches on inside my head.
There’s just something about them that just…it just kills me. It’s not even anything specific…nothing I can put my finger on, anyway. Maybe the job hierarchy?...the feeling that your doing menial shitty work that you hate, along with many other people to simply to make someone higher up than you a little bit richer? Maybe just the fact that it almost seems that we sell our lives away? Jesus, it’s got to be something. I try to see it as an experience, not a task…but it never seems to work. I mean, I do these jobs, and every hour I stand there I feel a small piece of my just wilt away, like a petal of a dying flower, turning black and slowly drifting to the ground, serving as a grim reminder to the ones left of what awaits them.
Maybe that’s the trick…finding something that kills you, and doing it well enough and fast enough so that when you come out of it, there’s still something left…something more than just a bare, defeated stem of what you once were.

It just…it doesn’t seem right…and, I know a lot of things aren’t right in the world, and we have to learn to accept them and live with them…so why can’t I just fucking accept it?
For fuck sakes, we’re animals! Just animals…no better, and I’d like to think no worse…but why do we have to complicate things so much…We were meant to live, for US…WE were meant to experience this life and take everything we can out of it with all the time we have…really squeeze everything out of it… Observe, experience, learn, interact, enjoy…just…be. Live… Not work shitty jobs for the rest of our lives doing mind-numbing, soul-crushing tasks, making insane amounts of money for people we’ll never even see, or even speak to or communicate with at all, while we earn enough money to reproduce and raise more of our species that will most likely end up in the same rutt, try to buy more meaningless stuff than the guy nextdoor, with enough left over to live our true dreams and true values vicariously through Hollywood and/or drink ourselves stupid on the weekends to forget what a raw fucking deal we’ve gotten. Whenever I’m working somewhere, I feel that…always there, like sharp burr…I feel like I’m selling my time…selling my life…and it makes me feel so utterly cheap. But the way things are, we HAVE to do it…we have no choice in the matter whatsoever…and that just gets to me all the more.

Please tell me that I’m not the only person that this seems so wrong to.
I mean, if everyone else can do it, I can, too, right? Shouldn’t I? Why do I feel like this? I mean, this isn’t just not liking something…I’ve not liked things before (still do, actually), but I’ve still tolerated/done/accepted them…why can’t I do the same for this…is my mind that wind (that’s ‘spose to be ‘weak’, yet my fingers typed wind, for some reason, which I found interesting)…my spirits that easily crushed? Man…Tell me I’m not crazy.

Or…no…please do. Please tell me that I’m crazy, that I’m wrong…tell me that the world is completely fine, all of it’s people living completely fulfilled lives…that’s so much less depressing than the alternative, since I’m the only one who has to deal with me being crazy. I mean, save for maybe a few big burly guys with high-pressure hoses in white clothes, of course.

{sigh}

There’s a line from this movie, Waking Life, that I’m reminded of. I can’t remember the exact words used, and I don’t have the movie anymore, so I’ll recite it to the best of my recollection;
“I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you can make is to think that you are alive, when really you're asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your waking, rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams, because if you can do that, you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated, worked really hard at? Long, hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes....and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream.
It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free.”

There has to be a better way…a way to balance things out…invert this “quality of life pyramid” that has the many working so tirelessly for the few…
But that’s where I’m lost…somewhere in the dark, tormenting space between knowing that things shouldn’t be like this…and the ignorance regarding a better answer…a better way. And every smile I have to fake for every costumer over-stepping their bounds…every hour I have to push me aside and become something I’m not…every time I have to silence my mind of all of the wonderful and creative thought flowing through it to do something a chimp could do…every time someone higher up tells me to do something to contribute to nothing more than the financial gain and greed for the higher-ups…

Everytime, that dark space just comes alive, like some sort of cruel shadow, and keeps tearing away at me, piece by piece.

Fuck, I need a drink…

Wise in the acceptance of ignorance

2004-05-17T13:17:00.000-03:00

A whiteman and an American Indian are sitting alone around the campfire, discussing many things, mostly of which, the difference between their two cultures. The white man believe his culture to be superior to the native's, and he soon comes up with an idea to illustrate his point. He grabs a stick, lying beside the fire, and starts to draw in the dirt. He draws two circles...one small one, and one bigger one encompassing the smaller one and more. He then points to the small circle, and says "This is what the red man knows"...then directs his stick to the larger circle and says, with a smug grin "this is what the whiteman knows."
The Indian is for the most part unphased by this display...and sits calmly looking at the two circles for a few moments. He then stands up slowly, and gestures for the stick, which the white man gives to him. He then starts to draw from the bottom of the other two circles, and walks around the campfire, dragging the stick behind him all the while. He then gets back to where he started, the result being a huge circle encompassing the fire, the two men, and the other two circles, dwarfing them all. He then points to what he has drawn with the end of the stick, and says in a solemn voice, "This is what white man and redman don't know"

God damn, I love that story.
The moral being, as I see it anyway, is that the only difference between a wise man and a fool, is that the fool thinks himself to be a wise man, while the wise man knows himself to be a fool.

My Religion

2004-05-07T00:53:00.000-03:00

I worship the sun…the sun is my god.
It asks no favors, no money… gives no oppressive rules and ways of living that would sell short this wonderful experience of life we get to feel. It doesn’t judge you on color or gender or financial status or religion, or on the mistakes you’ve made and will make…or judge period. It doesn’t change it’s rules or views several times over the course of millenea to fit with and strengthen it’s influence of the current society {ahem...cough cough christianity cough}. It doesn’t reward…it doesn’t punish…neither loves nor hates. It just gives…and without it’s giving, nothing would live here. Period.

And it feels good to lie under, to boot. (Which is alot more than I can say for a 400kg Buddha statue...{cracks neck} ...worst sleep of my life)

If all that’s not anything to be thankful for, I don’t know what is.

An Instrumental with words

2004-05-06T00:38:00.000-03:00

I’ve reached the limit of what my words can tell
Of what they could ever express
This expression filled with emptiness
Without the music

It’s all in the rhythm
It’s all in the sound
The rhymes just hollow road-maps
To a soul that’s never been trapped, before
…But I can’t read them anymore

It's all in the sound
The music
That's what holds
the meaning I seek right now
Somehow

The words I thought I’d always know
And the meanings lay there shattered on the floor
This is where the words would go
If I still believed they mattered, anymore

The day Fate missed the bus...

2004-04-30T01:02:00.000-03:00

I guess I've always been kind of a fatalist.
That's fatalist, as in, one who leaves things to fate...not something to do with death or killing or anything (though, I do dabble in these areas as well). In this case, I guess it would be more accurately deemed a 'semi-fatalist' in that if I woke up in a house on fire, I wouldn't shrug and go back to sleep, lazily muttering "c'est la vie". It's all a matter of degree...but let's not get into semantics.

As one would imagine, it complicates matters further to say that I'm not exactly sure if I even believe in fate. Especially since, as most of you who know me know, my "beliefs" change alot, and are never set in stone...I guess that would make them, more accurately, a series of "assumptions". (there I go with the semantics, again).

I guess the most accurate thing to say is that I believe that there could be fate, but if there is, it's probably no where near as simple as, say, a shitty movie about the girl next door and the asshole she's dating, would lead you to believe. You know, not just Choice A, or Choice B, etc. I imagine this amazingly complex interwoven tangle of strands...Spiraling together like some sort of chaotic and multi-dimensional rope...Spanning not only our lifetimes...But other peoples lifetimes, all intertwined....Even spanning past simple lifetimes and beyond...To whatever happens after this...And whatever happens after that.
You know... Nothing we can really 'picture' with our spatially confined 3-D thinking mind... The closest thing you could imagine would probably be the inner structure and 'workings' of a rope spread apart...If painted by Salvatore Dali... Then stared at diligently for several hours ...After taking several potent hits of LSD...And maybe following a brief lecture on Quantum physics. Yeah...Pretty out there.

But yeah...Back to being a 'fatalist'. It's occurred to me that for most of my life, I've believed in fate. Not for any particular reason...I mean, fate never came down and shown me 'The Way' with iridescence lights, made me miss some event that would have otherwise been my doom, swooped out of the sky with a cape and saved me from being hit by a train (at least I don't think that was him), or anything like that...No. I put my faith in Fate simply because...Well, to put it bluntly...I was lazy. I would passively go about things, let whatever happened happen and except it for what it is/was/going to be. I always waited for Fate to do the work..work that I most likely should have been doing.
The irony here, is that now...now I'm so desperately trying to get out of this rut...get out of this town...to find some sort of direction...and I don't even know where to start. I mean, I have started...I've started several times now...But it doesn't feel like it at all. Everything keeps changing, or going wrong, or falling through. It's like all my life I've been letting Fate carry all the heavy loads, and now he's not here for some strange reason (though he never was all that punctual), and my legs, which were just strong enough to carry who I was, never got the exercise to grow strong enough to carry the person that I'm now becoming.

Come to think of it...Maybe he was always right on time, after all....

Ya know...I don't even know where I'm gone with this. This is just something that my head started playing with as I drove around aimlessly in my car with my hand outstretched out the window, teasing the wind...As if hoping to be able to pluck some sort of answers out of the air rushing by. Huh...I guess it's the wind that does the teasing, come to think of it.
Maybe I was meant to sit here and just wonder. Maybe I was meant to write this, tonight? Maybe I was suppose go on this pointless ramble... And maybe someone is suppose to read it and actually get something useful out of it? A lesson, perhaps? Maybe this will somehow be passed along, or inspire someone to do the same...And then that will inspire someone else, and so on and so on...In the end, adding just a little more creativity and beauty to a world in need of so much more of it?
Maybe I'm a fool for even thinking any of these things?

Maybe I ask too many god-damn questions...

Don't act broken, even when you're broken...

2004-04-28T02:53:00.000-03:00

Well, wow...yeah...I'm updating...though I wonder who's still actually checking back at this point...

I don't really know why I haven't updated in so long. It’s not that I haven’t really been writing…I’ve been writing a whole lot, actually.
I guess maybe I’ve just lacked the motivation to make my writing understandable to anyone but me, as that usually takes alittle more thought and effort
For example;

Severed under the sky
Brain as translator
At some point, things have to stop happening for a reason and just happen
Salty hotdogs?

Tesla?

That....that makes sense to me, and spawns forth numerous ideas and paragraphs from my head, which I always tell myself I'll write down in more comprehensible terms....ehhh, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow being, whenever the hell I feel like it. (and yeah, I might have just thrown that 'salty hotdogs' thing in there for shits and giggles...or at least either/or.)

I guess the main reason for starting back up would be tonight. A slight need to vent and analyze myself a little further rose from the deep portions of the ocean that is my psyche, riding up from the depths on bubbles of "mystery despair".
....ummmm....yeah....I guess I could explain it better....

...it's just that sometimes i have these kinda..."attacks"...i spose. The odd thing is, they completely envelope me in this terribly intense depression, but never last for more than a couple hours.
But for those hours...I dunno...It's like a bulk sale for psychopathic maladies. Everything must go. Sometimes more than once.
And in these hours, everything that's wrong with my life...everything that's rotten and screwed up in this world, and every drop of callousness, indifference, greed and selfishness in other people hits me, all at one time, coupled with this insidious feeling of un-relenting alienation and isolation, all crumpled together in this period of intense unpleasantness. And then…as the unpleasantness latches hold, and starts to drag me into it’s infinitely deep temporary ocean….I desperately look for someone…something, anything to hold on to…anything at all…any source of comfort I can see…and this frantic splashing does nothing but drive all those things away…
A cry for help, refusal to accept it, and a warning for others to stay away, all rolled into one.
Sure, it’s probably childish…it’s probably immature…
But what would you do when you started to sink?

I just...
...I feel like I’m missing so much
Like everyone else out there is engaged in a wanton orgy of alcohol, sex, friends, music and fun, yet for some reason, I just can’t seem to get there…I guess either mentally or physically or socially…
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had fair amounts of all of those things…but a lot of it just leaves me feeling hollow…at least partially…like there’s part of me that just can’t be filled by hedonistic tendencies…most likely waiting for some special person I can see something beautiful in. Ugh...and that feels so god-damn cliche I think I just might be sick...
I’d like to think that for every other year I go desperately lonely and un-fulfilled, another amazing feature gets added to my yet-to-be significant other. This amazing person, completely beautiful, inside and out that I have yet to meet, or at least realize. Say, 1 year; amazing intellect and deepness. 2 years; unwavering kindness. 3 years; perfect eyes. 4 years; a huge set of….well…and you get the idea from there…

Lol…there I go...so damn predictable…always with the awkwardly timed humor, sloppily thrown in; a tangled net to save me just before getting to the brink of tears…
(Yeah, that’s right, I’m a guy, and I can actually cry. K, I’m gonna deviate a little bit here; I’m sick of fucking insecure assholes feeling that they have to so feebly grasp on to masculinity by wrapping themselves in bullshit stereotypical (not to mention unhealthy) behavior. Grow up…my balls are just as big as yours, if not a good deal bigger, fucking cowards.
No, really...you wanna fight?! I’ll kick your ass! OOOOO!! OOOOOO ! OOOOOOOOO!!!{jumps up and down, pounds chest}.
Ignorant fucks.)

…and what a defense mechanism it is…always served me so well. (Humor, I mean…not that pounding chest thing…though that has gotten me out of a few rough situations…)
…but that net… it gets more and more frayed every time…I’m starting to wonder how many people it even fools anymore, anyway…

No…I guess saying that isn’t fair…because, over the years…it’s safe to say, that most of the time, when I don’t feel like this…the sense of humor…the apparent ability to find something worth laughing at in anything…it’s genuine. I guess it kind of evolved from that odd awkward, shaky word thrown in after a hurtful moment, that drew odd looks and cocked eyebrows, to an almost creative way of making people laugh on a regular basis…
…Well, ok… I still get the cocked eyebrow thing, sometimes. (see?)

When you think about it, I guess life has a funny way of giving you what you end up with, sometimes.
And that…the apparent pre-meditated masterpiece formed amongst a jumble of things gone so apparently wrong…that’s what keeps me going.

"To paint a beautiful picture, sometimes you've got to use some pretty dark colors"

Nope...I'm not dead, as far as I know

2004-03-19T03:04:00.000-04:00

...In fact, I feel more alive than I have in a very long time....
Emotionally, I feel like a new person...no, an old person...my old self. The person I was my first year of University...the person that all of them down there had come to love....full of energy, full of life, not able to go down the stairs without exerting surplus energy thru some odd acrobatic wall kick or similar shenanigans. I have energy, I have life, I have feeling. Ever since the drugs, I've been consumed by a chemical cage of confining apathy...one that I'm deciding to leave now. I'm sick of feeling like this...no highs, no lows, no past, no future....just the sticky now that seems to stretch on forever....
....but not without cost. It's remedy was it's own cost, I suppose....
The drug was a growing ocean...secluding the island that is me from everything and anyone that's ever really meant anything to me...I've sat there in an apathetic stupor and watched my friends slowly drift away from me...I've seen opportunities come and go without budging...I've become a being of all thought and no action, whereas before, I was full to the brim of both. And I don't understand how doctors can do this to people. It's almost like...well, you always hear of the stereotypical drug addict...you know, the image that's always been fed to you by those "...my anti-drug" commercials, and what not. Like some poor soul, addicted to this substance, and it makes everything better...or maybe even better than better...maybe great. So, addicted, he realizes all he needs is more of it...keeping him in a constant state of doped-up happiness...And, if all he needs to be happy is the drug, he doesn't have to change...he doesn't have to move on...he doesn't have to live...he just has to get his drugs. To do that, maybe he'll get a minimum wage job...or turn to a life of crime....as long as he has the money to get what he needs. But, in my case...my drug is handed to me...covered by the government...prescribed by a doctor...and has the exact same effect. It leaves me feeling not happy...but content...makes situations i wouldn't be able to stand, liveable...makes me content in all of my incontentness. Yeah...that's probably not a word, but regardless, you understand. The point is, if it makes everything a brand of corporate chemically-concoted "fine"...then I have no incentive to change. I could sit here forever....

...but I won't. Because somewhere else, I could almost feel the old me struggling to get free...which is what inspired me to stop this "medecine".

But, quitting cold turkey...well, as you can imagine with anything that alters the very chemistry of your brain...is not as easy as one would hope...
Strange things can happen.
I can eat non-stop, never being sated, for hours...for days, in fact (as Sarah can attest)....and lose 7 lbs.
I could have so much energy my body would go into waves of miniscule muscular shakes, every tiny muscle fiber rapidly twitching, even ones I never thought I had...
Any light that's unnatural (or yellow) could start to offend my eyes in ways I originally never thought even possible by the Sun itself.
I could be stricken with ridiculously terrible, mind-raping headaches...terrible, terrible headaches.
Extreme irritabilty.
Extreme dysphoria. (that's the opposite of euphoria, as far as I know...so, "surreal unpleasantness".
...And, a series of other strange occurances ...some of which are even beyond discription...though I later looked up some withdrawal effects of the meds, and found one of them fittingly described as the "brain shivers"....and yes, it is as fun as it sounds.

Coincedently, I also came upon a study that found that a person with a 300mg dosage (mine is 225) is prone to hallucinations after several days without the drug. But the purple marmalde monkey never catches giraffes on chariots (especially when they're pulled by three-legged octogenerians). Weeeeee. Some people pay good money for that kinda shit.

Psychotic delusions aside, ...which I'll assume will not occur in me ... this will all be worth it. I know already, because I already feel like my old self. I already feel alive again...for the first time in over a year. I just...feel.

The Kinda-almost-sorta-golden Rule

2004-02-23T02:44:00.000-04:00

Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

Sounds simple enough, I guess…right?
But, is this simple age-old line the only reason that we, as a species, even have any shred of morality to begin with? I mean, we were always taught to be nice growing up (well, most of us…maybe not that snot-nosed little brat that always stole the best toy for recess in grade 1 who no one was really that fond of…that little bastard. If you’re out there reading this, I hope you choked on that Lego…in which case you…wouldn’t…be…reading….shit.), but why? Well, to make us manageable to our parents, for one thing. Anybody can realize with terrifying clarity just by looking at a mother in an epic struggle with a two-year old who has yet to develop in the “there-is-a-world-outside-me” category, that if we weren’t taught these things, our parents would all be in the basement beating us with extension cords…well, more parents, anyway. That’s one reason, for sure. Another is other inter-personal relations besides that with the parents. We, as children, at some point discover that if we are nice to people and treat them how we ourselves would like to be treated, they will, for the most part, in most cases, treat us the same. But, the question is, does this actually lead to a genuine attribute of kindness, or selflessness? I mean, if someone acts a certain way for the sole reason of wishing to be viewed as “nice”, so people will think highly of them and treat them that way, is it selfless at all? Yes, something happens that benefits a third party as a result…but by definition, wouldn’t that just be the by-product of a means to uphold ones own image, and thus, be treated well in return? In other words, are acts of kindness in this sense just ways to further ourselves?

Another example of kindness would be the kind that we perform...sometimes even anonymously, because it gives us that pleasant little feeling of self-worth and self-satisfaction. The words ‘self' being very prominent there. If something feels good when we do it, aren’t we, as an end result, just doing it for self-satisfaction? Like the situation above, something benefiting someone else happens as a result…but isn’t it just the by-product of a means to produce that pleasant feeling of self-satisfaction?

So, is no act of kindness is without some sort of underlying self-serving reason…? I know a lot of you think I’m probably just being disturbingly cynical, but that’s not true. Do you think I want to believe this? I’ve thought about this for years…and every time I arrived at that conclusion, I’ve made some excuse, like there must be some huge part of the human puzzle I’m missing that one day will be revealed…but I can’t do that anymore….this magical, mysterious, “missing piece” of our humanity…I just can’t look for it anymore…and the deep recesses of my mind continue to scream at me that it just doesn’t exist, and that the time spent toiling over and looking for it was completely pointless…

Or ...maybe I’m the only one who feels this way…maybe everyone else does actually really have genuine kindness in them, but since I’m lacking in the particular field, I can’t recognize/understand it.

Knowing this, either one way or the other, how in my right mind can I go on being the completely self-absorbed creature of purely self-indulgent and self-serving habits and actions without feeling this intense hopelessness and guilt that I am feeling right now…?
How can I deal with what I am, when the very ideal person that I aspire to both be and meet now rendered completely mythical by my own deductions? I mean, throughout our whole lives we’ve been taught to both be selfless and kind, and to look for it in ideal people…but now that I realize that this might not actually exist…what the hell am I suppose to be? What am I suppose to look for? The more I look for utter selflessness in other people, the more the deep, underlying selfishness rears it’s ugly head (sometimes more than one) to me. Am I so inherently jaded that this is all false, and it’s just me that cannot see any inherent good in people? That’s almost as depressing as my first conclusion…but at least in that situation, I have something to aspire towards…

But what if I’m right? What if deep down, we’re not actually capable of truly selfless action? Is this as far as we go as a species? Another failed mutation, ending in an evolutionary dead-end, destined to collapse in on itself in a violent series of selfishness-induced violence, destruction and misery? That certainly seems to be where we’re heading.

Forum

2004-02-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

Hey, I've got a forum to post on now!
http://nowhereforums.proboards26.com/

This is most likely where I'll be posting most of my stuff, as it's alot more organized and interactive than this simple little blog. There's a whole buncha crap over there. Come on over and register, and put in some feedback. It'd be interesting to actually talk to the people who have been actually reading this lil' blog o' mine.

You'll probably be seeing less posting on this, as there's a bit more public exposure on the forum. But, I'll probably still use this from time to time, be it for slightly more private matters, or maybe an odd journal entry.

(I'll be posting under Geeves, if you hadn't figured that out.)

Dream Girl

2004-02-17T01:11:00.000-04:00

Torn from a place so much better than this
And I strive to hold on while being pulled through
Torn from a world that doesn’t exist
From the only place I'll ever find you

Just that look is all I need
To feel these feelings superscede
Everything I've ever felt out there
How can that be?

Back to the sweet always-fleeting place
Whether dream or real, all I need is your face
And regardless of every wish that I waste
I'm left with less than that everytime I awake

I open my eyes and you fade away
the dream just broken shards in the bed
That hurt more than any kind of blade
And all the harsh words ever said

And I wonder
If I could hear your vioce would it say
You're sorry for making
Making awaking so hard

Making me wish that I could stay
I wish I could stay

{sigh}
...these dreams have got to stop...

....Eargasm?

2004-02-16T11:33:00.000-04:00

New album I think everyone should check out. My old favorite band, Lost Prophets. I say "old", because I listened to their first and only album so much I kinda wore it out. But now that this one is out, i think their status is officially been re-graded to favorite. The album is Start Something. One of their songs, Ride, is on the newest Need For Speed, I've just heard. And it's amazing...the whole fucking album is amazing. I've only been able to find songs from it online, but if anybody who happens to read this knows where I can actually pic up a legitimate copy, it would be much appreciated to hear from ya. Also, if anybody really likes these guys and wants to be in a band around here, also contact me. They're type of music is the kinda music I want to make, and it would be a fucking wet dream to come across some people who liked them as much who played guitar, bass, or drums.

May Cupid pierce all of your hearts...along with various other crucial internal organs.

2004-02-15T01:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I spent this valentines day alone, pretty well
Jus me and the dogs. Everyone else went to Truro, so I just kinda puttered around here anxiously, with the music goin full blast, as I bounced between here, the TV, and doing anything I can to burn off excess energy. Made myself some supper...spaghetti, for one, El Dente. For you laymans (which I guess would be me, last week before I knew what that meant), that's boiled a little less, so the noodles are a little stiffer. Not by any means crunchy...jus not the usual "as limp as someone walking in on their grandparents doing it" limp. (don't picture it!...haha...you super just did. See how that works?).

Later on, I heard from my friend Natalie, who's home for the weekend from school. She suggested we go see a movie, since we were both about as bored as Ray Charles in a strip club. She suggest we go see Monster...but I was against it...because I think making Charlize Theron ugly is a hideous crime against nature, punishable at least by repeated poking with hot branding poles. But, then I realized that she actually took part in producing it, so decided against that, since I don't think I'd be able to ever poke her with anything not attached to my body...what can I say, they practically write themselves.

So, the original plan was to go see 50 First Dates...most likely another cliche-filled romantic comedy, but Adam Sandler is in it, so it should be good for a few laughs. I doubt most people watch them for the storyline, anyway.
But, being a romantic comedy opening on Valentines day, it was sold out...so we ended up seeing Monster, anyway. I don't know what to say, really. Not about the movie...the movie itself I think was great...really liked it. It's just that...well, I'll put it this way...there's a scene where a partially nude Theron is making out with a partially nude Christina Ricci (her lover in the movie...god damn)...and I honestly didn't know how to feel. One is an incredibly beautiful woman done up like crazy to be a hideous serial-killing prostitute...which, that fact coupled with knowing what she really looks like actually makes worse...and another incredibly hot woman done up to look like an effeminate KD Lang-like stereotype lesbian...I think it's safe to say I have never been so conflicted. It was a constant struggle between......umm...well let's just say "El Dente" and...umm....not.
And now I've just ruined the movie AND spagetti for you all. What?......Oh. I guess I haven't. She dies.

Yeah, i might be in a bit of a bitter mood...what can I say...being for the most part alone on Valentines day can probably do that to any mortal man. but, I will survive. Pffff....finding ultimate, unlimited happiness in another's pure, un-waning, unconditional love is overrated, anyway.

PS: Don't picture it!

One post, 3 links

2004-02-10T02:07:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Day:
"Once again, the US is spending millions to oust a puppet they spent millions to get into office. They'll spend more millions on the cover-up to hide having spent those millions, and even more millions to discredit the members of the media who report otherwise. It's a good thing they print their own money."

Here is a little thing I think everyone should read. For some reason, I find it actually kind of exciting...you know, massive change possibly being in-store for us. Of course, it's quite likely many people view it as the Cataclysmic Natural Disaster to end all Natural Disasters...but, of course, I guess it depends on your point of view. Of course, it could just be another bout of Eschatism, much like the whole "Y2K" thing.

Aside from that, not much else to put in. Oh, it turns out that the plan for Fredericton still stands, and that we have a 95% chance of actually getting the place for May, and should here within the next month.
Now, the way Robb said it, seemed to pretty well assure me that we're getting the place. Like, the other 5% chance would probably consist of a mish-mash of many different things that could happen, each with their own almost infinitely low chance of occurring. You know, the apartment catching fire and burning down, a sudden bout of syphillis on either me or Robb, the obliteration of Fredericton via meteor, the coming of Beelzebub, destroyer of souls....you know, stuff like that.

You'll never look at dairy the same again

2004-02-07T02:10:00.000-04:00

There are so many things I want to do...so many things I want to see. I can see them...I can almost feel them on the tip of my mind...you know, like the feeling you get in your mouth when remembering what a particularily sour or tart candy tastes like?
A memory of a feeling of the places I've never been, and the things I've never seen.

I want to fly, I want to soar, but I just can't seem to get off the ground.

I need so much to get out of this place. 4 efforts, and 4 times I've been fruitless to leave this county.
First, was University. I'll go into detail about with happened to that in another post, because it's far to long to describe here. Long story short, I went, I had fun, I met some amazing people...but I didn't see myself there...I couldn't do the work, I couldn't concentrate, and was basically disappointed in the whole "learning" aspect of the place. It wasn't what I had expected.
The second thru fourth times all run together starting from september of this year to now. This is after a good year-and-a-half steeping in my thoughts about what I actually want to do with my life while working at mind-numbing, degrading jobs or being un-employed. The first of these was when I finally decided my sanity couldn't stand being here anymore, and I decided to go about enlisting in the Armed Forces. Well, lets just say, as you can figure out from reading previous posts, that the Canadian army works alot like the rest of the Canadian government; ...much...too...slowly.
The third would be Halifax...the salvation for most of the people who can't stand Pictou County anymore. The plan (well, not so much "plan" as an "ideal series of events) was to move to Halifax with my friend who lives up in Goose Bay, Labrador and some of his friends. He used to go to school there, and knows alot of people down there, and he wanted to move back for generally the same reason; to get the fuck out of where he is. But, since both of us lived away from there, we couldn't exactly find a place down there, and now, if all goes as planned, which I hope it does for his sake, he's moving in with another of his friends who I think is actually living there now, getting a two-room place.
And, my last attempt was to get a place with Robb up in Fredericton come this May, because he goes to school there, and wanted to stay up there for the summer. But, alas, it seems that he just heard he's gotten a good job down here for the summer with his previous employer, which he's pretty sure he's gonna take. And lets face it...when comparing a good job one already has and a house to stay in with free board, to a decent job one has yet to find and a cost of $300+ a month, well...who can blame him?

Me? I feel like cudd. A writhing mixture of dissolving grass and hay, endlessly grinding between this wretched county's rotting teeth, almost to the point of liquification. And finally...when I'm swallowed... when I'm finally allowed to pass on from this stagnant hell...when it at last seems that this place is done violating and toying with me and it's just a short matter of time before I'm released to what ever lies beyond...I'm regurgitated to endure more molar molestation and wringing-out of everything useful and positive that lies within me...the aforementioned freshly squeezed and crushed from my very essence and either swilling around in this place's grim frozen maw or dribbling to the ground wastefully...(sigh)...Most likely the latter.

Whaddya think? Pretty good analogy, considering it deals with the digestion and defecation of a cow. The fact that it's an analogy I'm proud of doesn't really make it any easier to go thru, though. Part of me feels that maybe this is some sort of sign, or maybe a cruel karmic punishment that I've brought upon by doing unspeakable evil in a past life. Judging by the punishment, maybe somewhere along the lines of...oh, I dunno...burning millions of Jews and having a retarted mustach, maybe?
The other part, however...wants to believe that my ticket out of here is coming soon...I just have to hold tight and jump on it when the chance arrives. Or, if worse comes to worst, I can leave it all behind and rely on my feet and my thumb, and just go south...and keep going until it stops getting warmer and starts to get cold again...and then backtrack a bit. I always said I'd be much happier as a bum in California or Hawaii than a middle-class or rich person in a place where the four seasons are Almost Winter, Winter, Still winter, and FAM...or; Freakish Amounts of Mosquitos.

And that's it...it's over. No more being chewed and sucked dry of the very will that keeps me going. Out of the "mouth" forever.
But sadly... it's this same part of me that has just come under the grim realization that a cow has four Goddamn stomachs...

Personality types

2004-02-02T22:31:00.000-04:00

The pessimist: His glass is half empty
The optimist: His glass is half full
The philosopher: Wonders "Is there a glass?"
The klepto: Has many glasses, none of which are his.
The politician: He has no glass...he blames the klepto. (but he really sold it for pocket money)
The Schizo: His glass is half full...but that hardly matters, because it's talking to him.

oh, there will be more...

I respect fire...I respect it even more when under the hood of my car...

2004-01-30T01:25:00.000-04:00

Yes, that's right....apparently, some of the wires caught flame, and now the battery is cut off completely from the rest of the car. So now, my poor old '91 Honda Accord is left out in the cold, power windows stuck down, in the driveway of the funeral home where it died. Yes, I shit you not. Actually, no...I don't think it's a funeral home...i think it's just a place that makes headstones...which I guess is just as fitting.

But, after a short call to the folks, a few cold minutes, and several confused looks from my dog, whom I was taking for a drive at the time, I sit at home mourning my loss. I guess we're gonna get someone to look at it tomorrow...but I have this sneaking suspicion that when the vital components of your car catch fire, it may be time to just let the poor thing go out they way you always remembered it....that is, smelling funny and smoking profusely.

There's something about inanimate object, cars in particular, that you just love reminicing too/about. I don't know...maybe the fact that you can just say things to inanimate objects (and animals too), that you would never say to people. Like "remember that first time I was inside you and you started to smell funny, and I was all worried, but it was only because I didn't put the cap in right when i filled you up?" you'd never say that to a person.
...Well, ok...there was that one time...but I'd rather not get into that (don't even ask about the cap).

{Blink}.....{blink, blink}
....Ok, so maybe that's a bad example, but nevertheless, you all know what I mean...and if you don't, just humor me.
Ugh, never mind, I'll change the subject...to...ummm.....hmmm.....{scratches chin}...promiscuis rodents! Check this out....without a doubt, I'd be proud to have him as my pet.

Hey, are you bored? Go rate me on hotornot. Do it! Validate meeeeee!!!! {shakes fist}......umm....*ahem*...or not....whatever....

Well, it's about that time again....when I run out of subject matter.
So I leave you with these words of wisdom:

"The Antichrist is a concept extracted (through some torturous interpretation) from the Book of Revelations, the final chapter of the Christian Bible, in which God wakes up, sees Patrick Duffy toweling off in the shower and realizes it was all just a dream."

My first legal document

2004-01-29T01:10:00.000-04:00

Listening to: A Perfect Circle - Pet

Been addicted to this song for a few days, listening to it over and over again. It was one of those that you download amongst a bunch of others, and never actually get around to listening to it until it finally randomly plays in your playlist, you know?
Umm...did I say download? I meant buy...as in legally purchased the item.....legally.
There...now maybe they won't be as harsh on me as those 13 year old girls....

Anyway, a pretty decent day. Pretaining to my last post, I found out from my folks that when I was a baby and wouldn't shut the hell up (exact words) they would put me in the car and drive around abit...and it would always quiet me down...sometimes, apparently putting me to sleep almost instantly. Of course, they just said "in the car" and nothing else....it has recently dawned on me that it could have been the trunk...and "asleep" or "quieted down" could simply mean "unconciouss". Ah well...regardless, I prolly liked it alot more than the "shut up or we whip you with an extention cord" method. And not just a regular one, either...I mean those big heavy outdoor ones. To this day, I still can't come within 3 feet of an outdoor electrical appliance without curling into a fetal position and weeping. *

Anyway, I'm digressing again...I've really gotta work on my attention span, huh?
So, anyway ...today, me and Mindy went to see a mov

*This isn't true. My parents always treated me like a million bucks.
...at one point they even gave me to a few nice men to pay off their gambling debts.
But that's another story entirely....Titled; "Blindfolded adventures with Uncle Boris**

**Yes, this is obviously false, too. I just couldn't resist. Sure, it's a tasteless joke...so sue me. ***

***Yes, I'm kidding again. Please do not sue me. By reading this (<---that word, right there) you wave any and all right to pursue legal action againt me. Nyahh!

Hey...my first legal document...if only my law teacher could see me now...but then i'd have to walk out to the car, open the trunk, and untie all those ropes...and then pull the duct tape off...and they always hate that part. I'll let him be. I'm such a softie.

The trick is; to remain in a constant state of departure, while always arriving.

2004-01-28T01:21:00.000-04:00

Ahhh...back from a refreshing change-of-scenery in Fredericton. And, of course, by refreshing I mean...you know...jumping-into-icewater-naked refreshing. So...cold. I don't mean just any cold. I've lived in middle Labrador, and I can honestly say I've never been colder than this past few days. The kinda of dry, windy cold that sucks the warm moisture right from your very bones. The kind of cold that can kill penguins.

Anyway, despite the unholy cold, I would say it was a good visit thru-and-thru. Met a few people, went to a cool bar, saw a great show by the Salads (co-incidently, I found out my uncle is still their agent, and actually took them and his other clients with him to his new, bigger agency. Score). Haha...I even had the balls to ask if the hot bartender I flirted with all thursday and friday night was single. Well...after several rum-and-cokes....not because I needed to be drunk to do it, because each time I went up to get a drink I wanted to ask her, and subsequently found myself saying "Alright...next time, I'll do it, or you can punch me in the face." This was said to Robb, of course...sorry to dispell the comical image of me breaking my own nose while surrounded by people from your mind, but don't worry...knowing me, surely there will be another time in the future for that particular scenario. Anyway, like I said, I did ask...and, she wasn't single...but it still went pretty well, though. Mostly cuz I actually did it...and also because she was still really friendly and flirty with me, while she didn't say too much to any other costumers.
:) ....yeh, I know...I'm hopeless. But I've accepted it. I'm reminded of the old Zen parable that goes....umm..."You're hopeless....accept it".
And yes...I might have made that up.

But yes, the trip was a good one. In fact, I might even move up there come this April. Which would definitly be a welcome change from this crappy county.

There's something so oddly comfortable about a bus. I've never been able to tell what it is. Come to think of it, I get the feeling whenever I'm a passenger going somewhere, whether it be on a plane, bus, or even in a cab. It's a strange sensation of...peace, i guess, for lack of a better word. but also, excitement in change. Like, a stable, definite transition between two places in my life that are anything but definite. Or maybe the feeling of actually going somewhere...getting somewhere...moving ahead. Actually...it's just dawned on me that maybe that's what people should feel like normally. Maybe I just feel very stagnant when in the same place for any amount of time. Like everything I have to offer, whatever it may be, is rotting with me while it could be somewhere else, experiencing.....well....anything, I guess. Maybe I feel like I'm not "living"...but just "being". I guess that's a big maybe, though. Who knows?

Time for a revolution

2004-01-20T18:11:00.000-04:00

"...And now, the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize, that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat-maze. We should not submit to de-humanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control. Those that control my life, and those that seek to control it even more! I want freedom! That's what I want, and that's what you should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities...because these and a central mode of control makes us feel small....so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty...our liberty...our destiny. We have got to realize that we are being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave state! The 21st century is gonna be a new century...not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, and classism, and state-ism, and all the other modes of control. It's gonna be the age of human kind standing up for something pure, something right.
What a bunch of garbage; Liberal, Democratic, Conservative, Republican...it's all there to control you...two sides of the same coin. Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorperated!! The truth is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of lies. I'm sick of it, and I'm not gonna take a bite out of it, do ya got me!!?
Resistance is not futile. We're gonna win this thing. Human kind is still good. We're not a bunch of underachievers! We're gonna stand up, and we're gonna be human beings! We're gonna get fired up about the real things! The things that matter! Creativity and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit!"

From Waking Life.

My thoughts and feelings exactly...please tell me that I'm not alone in this....please tell me that somebody else out there reading this sees what has happened to our world...to our society this last century. To humankind...the shallowness that we're expected to take as our everyday life. How 95% of the world population work their asses off to make the other 5% just a little richer. And for what? For mediocrity? You strive and strive for what? A small hope of a chance to be recognized against a backdrop of millions of other worker ants...other drones...each one hoping and hoping that for some reason, they'll get rcognized out of all of them, and become a little more privilidged...be able to raise their families just a little better, while the one who oversee us have more resources and power than any person would ever need!? Is this what we live for?!
This isn't right. This can't be right.

...it's obviously the ancient mayans

2004-01-20T00:40:00.000-04:00

What do Sean Penn, Space, one of my ex's and Northern Labrador have in common?

Well, I'm fucked if I know, but they were all apparently in my head a couple of nights ago when I went to sleep.
I went to bed rather early...I think it was 1 or so (ok, so...relatively early) with the intent of getting up early and grabbing the whole day by the throat and making it my bitch. Little did I know that as soon as I hit the pillows that I was in for a series of crazy dreams that would make Miss Cleo herself exclaim; "WTF?!", and walk out the door....or, vanish into smoke, or get into her crappy '86 Jetta and putter down the street...you know, whatever those psychics do.
I'll entertain you with these now...in no particular order...mostly because I can't remember any particular order.

Space...well...umm, that's about all I remember. People, that may or may not have included me, were in this..."thing" in space...then, we violently re-entered Earth's atmosphere. Doing this, we were split into two groups....or, at least two groups. Two groups were what landed. One landed in the tropics...and one in northern labrador.

Northern Labrador - Don't ask me how I knew it was Northern Labrador...I just did. It's my dream, so fuck you. Anyway...there were a few people that landed here...I don't think I was one of them, but I might have been. Sean Penn and Al Pacino were there, though. I remember them being on an ice-flow, looking into the sunset and talking about something. Also, they had swords. Ninja swords...I shit you not. So anyway, the whole crew was standing around on this ice flow, when someone shout...umm....well, i don't know....he could have shouted about venereal disease for all I know, but regardless, it got our attention. He then pointed to the distant mountains, where we see...get this....a huge-ass, giant ET (yes, both huge-ass and giant). You know, the one that wants to phone home in that movie about as old as I am? The very same. ANyway, he rambles along the mountains like he was an action figure being used against a picture back-drop in a really shitty old monster movie. So, what would any stranded spacedudes on an ice flow do if they see a monstrous, low-budget alien walking around? GO INVESTIGATE! I mean, wouldn't you? So they get up towards the montains, but there's no giant ET...which is odd, because, him being a s big as the mountain, he wouldn't exactly be able to hide. So we look for him, then all of the sudden, we see this huge stone head on wheels. Not just any stone head. This one looks like it has an "ancient mayan" feel to it, ya know? You don't? too bad. So it rolls down the mountain on the path we're on, so we, the clever devils we are, get off the path, and listen to it go by. Strangly, it greets us, and continues on it's way. I guess none of this really seems strange at the time, because we continue on.
Next thing I remember, we stumble upon this secret door in the cave, where we're greated by to sharp-lookin guys dressed in the kinda sci-fi clothing you see in 60's alien flicks. And, they appear to be Mexican in origin. They go on to explain that they are the decendants of the Ancient Mayans, and they came up here for some reason, and have lived here all this time, in their own sort of secret alternate society. We all go in, and for some reason, everything is from feudal Japan. I mean, there are guys in Gi's sitting cross-legged in meditation everywhere, people training with katana's and the like...go figure. Continuing. we go into this room where everyone is making out (it's my dream, you know there had to be something sexual in it) and in the middle is this guy who is obviously the leader. So we sit and listen to him, and everyone else sits too. He explains to us something about this very dramatic catastophic change about to take place in our world, which is why they were here (apparently dramatic catastrophic changes don't like the cold?). I'm here at this point, because i remember it's me who asks him, more specifically, what? What's going to happen? Then, he just says the end of all time....you know, as if I should have known...no gold star for me, I guess. We continue talking, and I ask if there's any way we can fight it, but then, this huge gaping black hole takes the place of half of the room, and starts violently sucking everything in. (I guess it was sooner than they thought...maybe they forgot to carry the 1). I brace myself, and draw my sword, (cuz I had one now) determined to fight this black hole thingy...and then, get sucked in. The end

Ugh....my hands are tired...I'll write about the others tomorrow.

{Witty, clever, cute and/or amusing title}

2004-01-18T01:13:00.000-04:00

{Introduction}

{rant/summary of day/philosophical idea}

{conclusions/endnote/departure}

What's that? I'm lazy?...well, for those of you not satisfied, I whipped somethin up for ya right here.
Enjoy!

Change is coming through my shadow

2004-01-17T02:35:00.000-04:00

Another friday night, a slow prelude to most likely a slow weekend
What did I do with the night, you ask? (c'mon, work with me, here)

Well, I spent most of it on here, listening to music, recording a few voice tracks, and reading up on Carl Gustav Jung. Chances are you've never heard the name unless you're an avid fan of Tool (Maynard is apparently Jungian, and his ideas are very apparent in his lyrics) or if you've taken a psychology course or 2... and even then, you probably only recognize him as the man who's ideas sculpted the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. (I'm an INFP, it would seem)

However, the man had many interesting theories...alot of them very sound. He was origianally a sort of "understudy" to Freud, but then began to develop his own ideas, and grew more distant from the theories of Freud. If there's one thing that pisses me off about modern psychology today (there's not...there's actually many) it's Freud. I have nothing against him, he has some pretty interesting ideas, and he was probably a pretty cool guy, despite his terror-inspiring theories on female sexuality. No, the problem I have, is that most of the psychological world, as far as I know (which admiteddly, isn't that much) treats his theories as though they are proven fact. They're not...they're just as proven as any other theories (that is to say, not). Granted, until we can build some sort of machine that can delve into the human mind and tangibly display it's innermost workings, it would be impossible to prove any theory on the human psyche. Which I guess is my point; that most people I've had experience with focus too much on Freud, and as a result could miss important signs of things that could be fortold or explained with alternate theories.

I guess when it comes to it, which theories you believe are mostly a matter of personal opinion, and the ideas of Carl Jung really seem to speak to me, and also a few other, more well-know peoples, like Maynard and George Lucas, who wrote Star Wars with characters based on Jung's theoretical archetypes. Maybe he'll speak to you too? If you have any interest in psychology, theology or philosophy, I urge you to look him up and do some reading. Here, I'll even do the work for you, cuz I'm such a nice guy.

Not so much a "lie" as an embelishment...

2004-01-16T01:13:00.000-04:00

Goddammit, I need a band. I mean, badly.
Anybody who follows this blog who lives in or even around Pictou County, NS in need of a singer/songwriter?

I'm really nice, don't bite, have all of my shots and I'm house trained ...umm...for the most part.

Oh god, it's in my eye...

2004-01-14T23:57:00.000-04:00

Anyone else ever wonder what a world where spam was completely abolished would look like?
...No?....Yeah, me neither....But now that I think of it, I'd say the guys over at Penny Arcade have made a fairly accurate prediction.

No, this isn't my first spam-related post...Those of you who actually follow this blog might remember this one:

-----------
Just something I had to share...
Listening to: Senses Fail - Free-fall without a Parachute

I opened my email just now, and...well...needless to say, it's overflowing with spam. But, one document in particular caught my attention. I looked at it, read it....then blinked a couple of times, not knowing how else to react.
Yes, I think it's a sign...As soon as spam asks you if you would like to increase your ejaculation volume, the downfall of civilization as we know it can't be far off.

weeeeeeee.....
-----------

To elaborate on that, yes...it did happen. It's true. Now, this really strikes me...because when I read something like this, it makes me wonder if this actually is an important sexual issue for some people (porn stars excluded, of course).
If not, does this email inspire fear in the male sex? In the future, will this magical cure for lazy -ahem- ..."bang berries" be as readily available as enlargement, be it of breasts or your "divining rod"? Or, more terrifying yet, deodorant...?
Wow....couldn't you just see the commercials now?
Here's my depiction. It's kinda funny
....actually, it's not so much funny as it is horrendously disturbing....but you're gonna read it anyway.

(cue cheesy love music)
A man and a woman are there naked, the man standing, a counter cuts off the camera view at his waist.
Just above the top of the counter line, you see the top of a head vigorously moving back-and-forth, toward and away from him. (you'll have to use your imagination......oh SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS! Not that much imagination. Man...)
The pace quickens, and quickens....and then just stops....and the music comes to a screeching halt (you know the sound I mean...like stopping a record mid-play) followed by words that shatter the silence; ".....Is that all!?"
The camera zooms in on the man, and he give a cheesy embarrassed shrug.
Nararator: "Has this ever happened to you?"

And, well....you can probably imagine the rest from there...uhh....if you really want to, that is...

Has it really come to this?

P.S.- Yeah, it was a pun...sorry

* The previous post has been rated M-17 for gratuitous and vivid discription of bodily functions and fluids necassary for our survival as a species, though still evil, dirty and wrong....and should not have been viewed by anyone under 17, over 50, or my mother.

I beg to DIFRS

2004-01-14T02:21:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Pulse Ultra - Look Closer

Well, you're probabaly wondering about the title. I'll explain;

Next week, I'm goin up to STU in Fredericton to visit my friend Robb, and to see a band that my uncle used to be an agent for up in Toronto. He doesn't work with them anymore, though. I think he works with a bigger agency now, the same one that handles Sarah Maclaughlin(sp?) and the Barenaked Ladies, among others, so more power to him. But, I digress, as I so often do...
The point is, I'm goin to STU in a week for about a week. Now, me and Robb are both kinda going thru a kind of mild "slump" (for lack of a better word) in life as of late. Nothing really major, just a string of situations that just don't seem to want to go our way, coupled with the scourge of everyday mediocrity. So hopefully, the plan is to do something down there that will just break the "slump" wide open...a fun-filled hi-jinx of sorts. More specifically, a drunken fun-filled hi-jinx.
And thus, Drunken Idiotic Female-Related Shannanigans (DIFRS) was born. I could probably come up with a better name...and you could probably go jump from a 12 story building....doesn't mean you're gonna do it. Hey, hey....HEY!...c'mon, get back here, I was just playin.

Listening to: I Mother Earth - Hell and Malfunction

Well, basically, the game plan is to (you guessed it) first consume a more-than-adequate amount of alcohol. Next, we will take adventure in search of hotties....ummm, women, to be more specific. Then, we will approach said hotties (most likely taking turns) using the most pathetic/disgusting/ and or cheesey pick-up lines imaginable...This, of course, will most likely spawn many different responses (hopefully none involving Mace) and hopefully, the act and results will be immortalized in Robb's digital camera...thus providing the saved humouress...uh, ness... to us and friends at a time where we can appreciate the humour of the situations...which would be after the swelling of our slapped cheeks go down, and, if situations take a turn or seven for the worst, our Mace-swollen eyes heal enough to see out of.

Cheers to DIFRS 2004.

Transient

2004-01-13T17:26:00.000-04:00

"When I say 'love', the sound comes out of my mouth, hits the other person's ear, travels though the byzantine conduit in their brain, thru their memories of love, or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying, and they say they understand...but how do I know they understand? Because words are ...inert. They're just symbols...they're dead...ya know? And so much of our experience is intangible...so much of what we percieve...cannot be expressed, it's unspeakable. And, yet, when we communicate with one another, and we....we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual...communion. And that feeling may be transient, but I think it's what we live for."

Just a quote I really like, which I posted because it's pretty well aligned with what I've been thinking about and feeling lately.
It's taken from one of the characters in the movie "Waking Life".
A great movie, I think everyone should watch it, or at least give it a go....but, since I know most of you won't...I'll probably be quoting it from time to time in this, cuz there's truly some amazing stuff in there.

A hopeless romantic, romantically hopeless

2004-01-13T00:31:00.000-04:00

When I first met her, there was nothing particularily there. She was very pretty...but who doesn't like something beautiful? It was nothing really beyond that. After meeting her, we continued to talk every-now-and-then...if we were both online, or ran into each other anywhere.

But, the more I talked to her, the more I started to realize how much I actually liked her. For one thing, she is one of the, if not the sweetest girl I know. Always a big plus, but a trait I hold especially dear to me. Another, she is not afraid to be herself. She appears to be almost a complete free spirit, and it doesn't really seem that any kind of pressure, be it peer or otherwise, can change who she is and how she shows the world that. There are other things about her...and I can't even put my finger on it, which I guess makes it all the more intriguing. it's almost like, a profound kind of...innocense, i guess. And, this truly means alot coming from me, because I believe that no one is innocent, and myself, am not even sure of what I consider the definition as of the last 2-3 years. But it's what I get when I talk to her, or when I see her, and it's something that's much too hard to find in people today.

I like talking to her, I like seeing her, and a boy-ish little half-grin would always appear on my face even whenever someone simply mentioned her name. That's pretty well where I'm at now, I guess, but I'm still quiet about it....not because I'm scared of how she might take that (....ok, I lied...that's always a factor), but moreso because she's just someone that I, for certain reasons, probably shouldn't take an interest in...so I guess I go by the "If I ignore it, maybe it'll go away" philosophy. Ugh....this causes me distress because this has never lent itself in my favor the numerous other times I've gone with the aforementioned solution. But I really can't think of what else to do in this situation...aside from maybe blowing some digital steam and vent on here, which I'm assuming is pretty safe, because I doubt she even knows this little spot on the web exists. I don't think I've ever told her, and I can't think of anyone else who would.

The reason I'm talking about this tonight I guess is because, well, I was talking to her. Not really alot, just a bit.
See, tonight, I'm not sure what it is, but...it almost seems like I've been temporarily erased from existence. I would talk to people, people who are my freinds, who I talk to on a regular basis....but they just wouldn't answer. I knew they were there, for some reason or another, but they just wouldn't talk. Man, strangley enough, even this blog, who gets usually at least 5-10 visits a day, didn't get any...like the universe kind of temporarily forgot about me. Me, being the overly-sensitive person I am, begin to take this straight to the heart, and started wondering if there was anything I did wrong, or etc.
Suddenly I get a message from someone:
"hey sorry i havent answered any of ur msgs today i was just in a really bad mood and didnt really feel like talkin to anyone, it was nothin personal k :D"

It was her, of course. So we exchanged a few messages, I tell her to not worry about it, and ask if there's anything wrong, or if she wants to talk about anything, etc., and she said it's ok, she was just tired and cranky, and she doesn't like being cranky to people, etc. (man, i'm using alot of etc.'s). This I expected to hear, because another thing about her, is that she always seems happy. Always...all the time. She's one of those people who always has a smile on her face, or who always ends sentances with alittle laugh. This is good...great, actually...but it still worries me.

Mainly, because around 3 years ago, I was the exact same...except it's not what I felt...it was only what I showed. Always smiling, laughing...everything was a joke, everything was always "ok", "fine", or even "great" . That was on the outside...but on the inside, 18 years of repressed negetive emotions sat and festered, each day more getting added to the pile. Needless to say, it couldn't stay entrapped by the thin barrier of plastic laughter forever. When that barrier ruptured...well...I'm not going to elaborate, but it wasn't pretty. It wasn't good. It wasn't not excrutiatingly painful beyond the realms of which I've never imagined...and sometimes I would cry so hard and so long for no reason. And I don't mean shedding the odd tear...I mean utterly uncontrollable sobbing...sobbing so hard that my entire body would burn with strain the next morning. It was a downward spiral 3 miles high that lasted about 5 seconds. I guess my psyche figured it'd skip the spiral itself and just throw itself right down the center and BAM...right to the bottom.

...yeah...enough said.

But as I was saying, that's why she concerns me. I just hope that it isn't the same story with her.
I want to believe that she is always as happy as she acts...that she doesn't put on a show to keep others ok and comfortable when hurt, like I did... that she always says things with a light-hearted smile or laugh while really feeling that way. And maybe she does. I hope she does. Because i don't want anyone to go thru the kind of things I went thru, and the kind of things alot of people, unfortunately, probably went thru. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...let alone her.

A new level of pointlessness...

2004-01-12T10:45:00.000-04:00

I never liked the letter "W".
...Something about one single letter that requires three syllables to say is just so wrong.

Fear is the mind killer

2004-01-12T00:29:00.000-04:00

Listening to: The Rosenbergs - Overboard

(sigh) what to say...where to start....and why to start there...

Went up to X this weekend to do some visiting. I hoped the expierience would give me some sort of social jolt, as oppose to the secluded life I've come to call my own in this miserable little town. So I went...I saw old friends...it was good to see them....they were happy to see me. I spent the weekend with them goin out to bars, house parties and such. I was surrounded by friends for most of the weekend.

....and I feel as lonely and isolated as ever...

I mean, aside from now, being home and all....i meant then, too. When we were out, wherever we would be, I just detach....it's like I'm not even there. I sit, and I watch. I watch everyone in little groups at the bar, talking and carrying on within, seemingly blissfully ignorant of everything outside. Even the people in the group I'm in...I just seem to vanish, and watch them interact with each other. Why can't I reach in? This is why people drink, I guess....to be sociable. Some people are just naturally very sociable, and don't even need any alcohol to "loosen up and have a little fun". I'm usually the opposite, in such situations, and I don't know why. I've always felt this way in a group of even 4, or more people. Like I'm not there. I always hoped that drinking would help that in me, like with most...kinda loosen up, relax, stop being so damn analytical...stop thinking so god-damned much. But it doesn't work. Why doesn't it work?

For some reason, the alcohol just seems to cause me to drift further. A good analogy would be a smear of butter on a piece of toast. That's my awareness....when I drink, it's like the butter spreads, and tries in vain to completely cover the surface...but the end result is the lack of desired effect anywhere. It's like I further detach, and I observe all around the room...sometimes almost oblivious to things in my vicinity. In a state of room-wide obliviousness and awareness at the same time.
I just don't get it...

I can't imagine how other people see it, either.
Well....i was voted shyest grad of 2001 in my class....so, I guess I do know how they see it. But sometimes I worry that people get the idea that I'm snotty...or, think that I'm better than them. I hope that's not what they think...

But why do I do it...I just don't understand. Am I scared? What am I scared of?
Fear is a thing I've spent alot of my life from the age of 12 and up thinking about. Now, at the age of 20, I like to think I understand it a fair bit better. I've learned to conquer all of my small irrational fears....june-bugs, claustrophobia, earwigs, heights. I've caught june bugs out of the sky and held them in my handm listening to the awful clunky buzzing as they repeatedly ricochet of my closed hands, until it didn't bother me anymore. I've let earwigs crawl on me, up my arm and across my torso as I watched. I've forced myself to hide and squeeze in places no one else can fit, siince I'm a pretty small guy. (this has come up on more occasions than one would think....certainly more than I would.) I've jumped from a plane. And yes, it was flying at the time.

These are small fears. For the most part irrational, and entirely pscho-somatic. You realize that fear exists for one purpose...to keep you from harm or death. I mean, there's no way that a june-bug could ever hurt/kill you....same with an earwig. Small spaces will never hurt you, if there's air. Ummm......heights....uhh....well, maybe that one is a little more rational.

But basically, after thinking about it, I arrived at the personal conclusion that in order to conquer all of your fears....you must conquer your fear of death and physical pain. Because, after all...this is why the sensation exists, right?

So, after reading vigarously about the samurai, warriors, war, Zen, Bushido, and other things, over the years, i think....and I stress, I think....that I have done this. Pain, while it is uncomfortable, is nothing more than a sensation in your mind (as is everything, but don't get me started on that now). When you tell yourself this over and over again while something hurts, you can overcome it. It's your mind, and no-one elses. It still hurts, but you have to realize that experiencing it as a negetive sensation has no real purpose other than to tell you of an injury. That helps you overcome it.
I say "i think", because the most intense pain I've felt since this mind-set hasn't been above, maybe a semi-deep cut, or a slight burn, or a bee sting, which are easily ignored anyway. And, I can't honestly say that I'd be under the same frame of mind if I had, say, an arm violently removed.
And, regardinf death....I've only once come anywhere close to death, and I can't remember what it's like...so if truly faced with death, for all I know, I could wet myself and weep like a baby. But I'd like to think I've conquered that. And I'm almost confident I have.

So....there we have it...I've spent a good bit of my time thinking about this, and would like to think I have a good grip, or understanding on it.
I don't fear death, and don't fear pain. Mind you, I'm not going to actively seek these things, but if the circumstance are beyond me, I can accept either one happening to me.

So why the hell am I afraid to talk in a group of people?
Why am I afraid to approach a beautiful girl who's caught my eye from across a dance floor...even if the lights are all green?
Why don't the same rules apply for emotional wounds?

So, now....after thinking I understood myself, and the human race, a little better, I find myself back at the beginning again...

Resistance to pain? Not afraid of death?
Big fucking deal....it doesn't mean anything when someone can shatter you with a sentance...

A mirage of an Oasis...

2004-01-07T21:28:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Sinch - Something More

And indeed....this is the very reason of this post.

I love music...love all of it...even while some types I may not enjoy listening to, I love the fact that such a broad means of communication exists in our world of repressed emotions and poor communication run rampant. I gave up disliking and immediately dismissing any kind of music, because I've found that any music I lable and judge as something I don't like at the present time, chances are sometime down the road, it will appeal to my ears, if only for a little while.

I also love poetry, and therefore lyrics, for similar reasons. But, the odd thing is, when I listen to songs, and decided what I like to listen to, the words have nothing to do with it. Truly, sometimes I can have a favorite song for months before actaully really listening to and understanding the words. This is, unless I go to a lyrics site, and read the lyrics. Then, with just the lyrics to focus on, my mind discovers the lyrics often convey a completely different message than what is heard when I listen to the song. It's like 2 different emotional states inspired and brought on by one song, which is a bonus in my books.

But, to get to the point, the aforementioned song is one such song....one i always have on my playlist, and love hearing, but haven't until recently listened to the lyrics...which I find are amazing, and are an accurate depiction of my own feelings and thoughts that I sometimes just can't seem to release.

I'm gonna post the lyrics here for anyone who reads them to appreciate...and I suggest you give the song a listen, too.

The worst is yet to come, so vulnerable and dumb say the words and I'll dissolve
Tell me how long should this last I've been forgetting how to act and
These memories will burn like gasoline
And I believe there's something more cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes I'm afraid I might miss some of it
This makes no sense a mirage of an oasis but it kills my time
Well try to remember what I sought, I never gave it that much thought
Does it really matter at all, cause there really is no time for opening up my eyes
Cause you know that I have seen it all before
And I believe there's something more cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes I'm afraid I might miss some of it
This makes no sense a mirage of an oasis but it kills my time
Well I wish I could always feel this good, I wish that I could always feel this way,
Wish I could always feel this good, wish that I could always know what's out there
Cause I believe there's something more, cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes I'm afraid I might miss some of it this
This makes no sense a mirage of an oasis but it kills my time
I wish I could always feel this good, I wish that I could always feel this way,
I wish I could always feel this good, wish that I could be imitating the screen imitating the
screen if you hate something it goes away if you hate something then just wait

Lying SOB's...

2004-01-04T02:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm making another post. Yeah, I'm kinda bored, and suffering from a bit of writer's block
So for now, i'll amuse myself with music, and eating chips. Don't worry.....they're "naturally baked"

Naturally baked?....what the hell does that even mean? Have you ever seen anything "naturally baked". I mean, have you ever walked through a forest on a hike or something, then came across a dead animal right in your path, it's innards cooked nicely to perfection? You can't get naturally baked. Not even in a forrest fire. Fire "chars"...it does not bake unless made to do so....by un-natural, human-related means.

Face it, Lays....the only way anything is going to get naturally baked, is if it was upwind from a patch of Mary J. during a forest fire, and maybe if things keep going like they are in Canada, some day you will be able to do something like that for commercial gain. Until then, shut up.

Termites?

2004-01-04T00:25:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking today...
I know, that's just like every other day. the irony of course, being that I haven't yet started a blog this way.

I went out for New Years, as most people make a habit of doing. I dunno....maybe something about drinking away the memories of the mistakes of the last year?
Long story short, I had an ok time...which is good....because alot of the times, going out to clubs is really hit-or-miss for me. Sometimes I have an utter blast...other times, I feel completely isolated and alienated from everyone around me, regardless of the fact that sometimes I can't even breathe without the slight expanding of my body pushing several people apart. I have no idea why this happens, but this is besides the point, and perhaps a topic of another blog further down the road.

The point is, New Years I had a decent time. I saw a couple of my friends I haven't seen in a very long time, which was a great feeling, and also got me thinking about why I seem to subconsciously go so far to alienate myself from them. ( "Them" meaning pretty well all of my friends, not just these ones. Once again, why I do this is a complete mystery to me...and once again, it's a topic for another day.) We caught up a fair bit, and apparently everything is going well for them, and that's great, because they're the kind of people you want things to go great for. ("friends" i guess is what they're calling them nowadays). The night progresses, and we hang out for most of it. And, one of them, as he per usual when he's fairly intoxicated, spots and amazingly beautiful girl standing near us on the floor, and eggs me on to go for it. As the slurred sounds of his drunken pep-talks faded into the background of my mind's audio, I looked at her. "Wow...she really is quite beautiful....like....in a drop-dead sort of way". And this is where I hit a rutt. See, I've always considered myself a fairly self-confident person. Now, when some people say that, they mean "I'm a cocky bastard who thinks I'm good at everything"....and because of this, whenever people hear that hyphenated word, they sometimes think this. To me, that's not self confidence. Self-confidence is being happy with who you are, as a unique person, and discovering and ultimately excepting both your strong points and your flaws....because no one is perfect.
For example;

- I would consider myself a pretty good-looking guy. I like the way I look, but I realize everyone has different opinions, and some people may like the way I look more than I do, while could find me pretty plain. Fine by me ------ Good

- I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. I'm fairly articulate, and try to maintain a completely open mind to how others view the world...regardless if that view involves me being a dumbass. Who knows? I very well could be a dumbass who just thinks he's intelligent. I mean, if I was stupid enough, how could I tell anyway? But, me, myself...I consider myself "smart enough" ---------Good

- I have very poor discipline and control over my mind, insofar that if anything requires the least amount of concentration or focus, my mind will jump from it to numerous other subjects, sometimes without me even noticing. This makes very structured environment, like a math class, perhaps....next to impossible, and I usually just get frusterated and give up and day dream out the window --------Bad

- I have very poor motivation or drive, and tend to live life in a very "go with the flow" kind of way. This can be a good thing, rarely...but usually, in the world we live in today, I'm the person that never gets any shit done while pre-occupied (with shit like this blog) while others go out and live their lives --------Bad

- I can shoot lasers from my eyes -------Good

- I once killed a hitch-hiker and chopped him into small pieces which I then threw at passing cars...and I'll do it again --------Bad

And etc....
Yeah, yeah....I might have made a couple of those up.
I've never been really intelligent.....and am really a vigorous go-getter..... ;)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yea. I've always considered myself a reasonably confident guy....and then it struck my that I still couldn't get my feet to move towards her. So, I told my friend I would go get a drink first. Her group was between us and the bar, so in doing so, I walked right passed her, and subtly (i'm so smooth lol) brushed my bare arm gently against hers. I got to the bar and carefully looked aside and out of the corner of my eye to see the two friends she was with get her attention and point towards me, smiling. She then turned, and I caught her eyes and smiled for a split second before turning my attention towards the bartender...just long enough to see her smile back (and what a smile that was).

"It's amazing what one girl moving a few facial muscles can do to you Justin. You're hopeless, you know that. Absolutely hopeless.", I thought to myself, as I sipped my drink with the huge goofy grin on my face. The kind that hurts your face, but you don't care.

I made my way back over towards my friends, drink in hand, and most of the way smiling at her smiling at me, while she's smiling at me, smiling at her, (or did i have something on my face?) and return to my friends. Then, the other friend, Amanda, tells me that the girl actually goes to school with her in Halifax...and has a boyfriend. Now, what I feel next is a strange combination of disappointment and...well, relief. Mostly the latter. And, this strikes me as odd...especially considering things seemed "there". So why was I relieved that I had an excuse not to approach her? It's not confidence...not consciously, anyway.

True to my nature, I thought about this up until recently, when something dawned on me.
Maybe a lack of confidence doesn't have anything to do with it. High self-confidence doesn't make rejection any easier. In fact, maybe it's quite the opposite. When you stop to think about it....really think it through.......when you and you're high self-image are rejected, then you feel not only rejected... but wrong as well. Your opinion of yourself, no matter how high, is temporary rendered "invalid". And feeling wrong enough times leads to doubts. Could it be that this is what was eating away at me? The tower that is my self confidence, appearing fine and strong to me, on the outside...but hollowed out by the doubts intsilled by previous rejections, which infest it like gluttonous termites? It really makes sense.

Now, the only question that remains is...what plays the exterminator in all of this?
Ugh....I think too much.

"I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so"

2004-01-03T04:37:00.000-04:00

The mind and the heart
The connection between them
Always so absent

Thinking and so bored
I guess I'll talk in haiku
...ugh...shitty pretzels

Worth 1000 Words

2004-01-02T03:52:00.000-04:00

Well they open the trap, and set it
With lies, they buy, and you appear sold
They all want the frame, and get it
But I just want the picture it holds

The one from so long ago
Fading in my memory
Memories faded in time so slow
Yet still manage to get the best of me

Is it covered in dust?
Is it fading away?
Is it kept in the dark,
where you sleep, where you lay?

Is it wrinkled and torn?
Is it getting harder to show?
To the people you don’t
And the ones that you know?

Did you burn it long ago?

And I always find myself
Wondering who’s bed you’re in tonight
They all want the frame, and get it
But I just want the picture inside
A picture I can’t buy

A tear wells up in my eye, as I realize
I would pay anything for the one thing I could never buy

This is how it goes, I guess...

2004-01-01T20:08:00.000-04:00

It sure would be ideal if how the world worked was karma-based
...but given my experience, it's pretty far from it...it could quite possibly even be the exact opposite...
You try your hardest to be a good person, to abstain from doing anything that would hurt anybody or anything, and it always comes back and kicks you in the ass. I'm not saying people should be nice to get karmic brownie points or anything...people should do it anyway.

Who knows? Maybe karma does work...maybe all the hopelessly nice people getting tred upon today were really rotten in a past life, and for that reason, have this deep-down compulsion to do anything to not bring any kinda of harm to those around them buried in their heads before being unleashed upon the world a second, third, or seventy-fifth time.

Or maybe people that bitch about being too nice really aren't...maybe they just think they are, but are really total assholes and can't see it. That's a real kick in the teeth...because, at least if you know you're an asshole, you could do something about it. (I mean, you probabaly wouldn't....since you're an asshole, and all....but still, you have the option).

But then, I can't help but notice the "kill, take, rape and prosper" kind of setting we've come to develop for ourselves, and I can't help think that maybe karma has done a little reversal just to fuck with us. Hell, if I was karma, I'd fuck with us. I mean, I hate to sound cliche, but if i was some superiour, all-knowing universal force (i'm not saying i'm not, mind you), looking down upon humans...i mean, well think about it. What would you see? A disease...a cancerous growth that spreads and alters everything in it's path. (For the worse, usually...although those pyramid-thingys are pretty cool). No other living thing does this...at least not to this scale. Everything else seems to co-exist quite well, like a carefully-constructed puzzle put together over the course of billions of years, or longer. Then all of the sudden, in the pre-school recess that is the Universe, the obnoxious kid with the perpetual stupid grin on his face, and who smells like pee, who nobody really likes that much, just jams the "humanity" piece into the puzzle and fucks everything right to hell. And the other ones playing probabaly let him get away with it. I mean, they want to be nice, right?

Well, back to me being an omnipotent force....
If I was karma, or the thing responsibly for distribution of these cosmic brownie points, I would see this and think; "Man...these humans are real assholes...they gotta go." And I'd justly reward anyone who wanted to fuck with them, and inflict terrible wrath on anything that would dare treat them well and resulted in something that would not help in leading to their destruction.

Meh...this is probably just the bitterness talking. Deep down, I think...or hope....maybe somewhere in between...that humans, as individuals, are quite amazing creatures, and are capable of alot of things, some even positive. I know amazing humans....I've loved amazing humans...and, regretfully, I've probably hated a few as well. But, together....6 billion of us with an almost global 'mob-mentality"... can really do some fucking damage.

Well, thas all for now...I'm tired of bitching as of the moment, so I'm gonna find something to do.
Blahh...maybe i'll jus go run someone over...

Change in the weather

2003-12-30T01:28:00.000-04:00

Wow....feeling pretty good, today.
It was beautiful outside....still is. I've just come in from a walk down by the river with Mindy B. in my t-shirt. It was like looking at glass. I don't think I've ever seen water that calm before. If it wasn't for gravity, you wouldn't be able to tell which one was real, and which was the reflection.
This is the kind of winter I could get used to.

Spent the day at the mall w/Rob, waiting for pictures to develop, and went out with Min, after picking her up from work.
It was a good night...a fun night...Lotsa laughs, lotsa fun. And we didn't even do that much. I guess it just goes to show that not always is it what you do, but who you do it with, that matters.
There's probably a joke in there somewheres...;)

Things are goin good, for this period of intermission in my life. Doesn't mean I don't want it to be over, because I can't wait to here from the Forces when i finally do. But I think I can take this place for as long as I have to.

Now all I need is a hot and heavy gas-station romance, eh Min? i dunno....i think writing a romantic line based on the purchase of gas is a task indeed.
-You are the 20$ of gasoline, that has doused my heart, and set it ablaze with this love for you-
No? lol....havta keep at it, i guess.

Love at first gas purchase lol

Purged

2003-12-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

That didn't feel near as good as I hoped it would

Aqueous

2003-12-28T21:46:00.000-04:00

Water Soluble (Aqueous)

I fear the change,
That this world could instill in me
Am I blinded until I see
What’s to become of me
And this part that doesn’t fit

And as the thunder starts, I see this part
Of me dissolve, in the pouring rain
The question tears at my heart, was it a stain amongst art?
Our was it the art inside, the art inside a stain

The water, trickling down
It leaves its streaking stains
Of a part of me now gone

And I fought her, without a sound
Except a shrieking brain
What a shame to have lost, after fighting so long

The Very Last

2003-12-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

The last thing I wanted was for it to come to this
But I’m not sure if I can re-write the end
As I shiver and think of the things that I’ll miss
And the wounds that cut, far to deeply to mend

The very last thing to go thru my mind
The last thing I’ll ever think or feel
Not an abstract idea, or thoughts of the usual kind
No, none of these,
Just scattered hot steel

And I guess that’s it’s fitting, I guess it’s deserving
The last thing I do in this corrupted frame
Will be so selfish ….will be so self-serving
My last selfish act, a finger-pull away

But still so hard to do

Thaw

2003-12-28T21:44:00.000-04:00

You thought that you could melt these shards, of ice that trap my heart
Icy walls hold ever still, and cold edges tear apart
And that you did, you thawed me out, out of this frozen hell
But found a heart not trapped in ice, but made of it as well…

And you’re face down in the puddle left
I warned you, but to those words you’re deaf
You just didn’t want to hear
The words I made so icy clear

I’m sorry to disappoint
But this frosted mind is all that’s here
Void of conscience, pain or fear
Frostbitten branches that have been sheared
Along with weak ones, sad to say

Ice, Ice all around
This frozen plague has weighed me down
It’s constant weight has made me strong
It’s freezing bite leaves feeling gone
sometimes

Siphon

2003-12-28T21:43:00.000-04:00

it’s so easy when I’m down
so go ahead and kick again
(easier to let me drown
when I’m exhausted by the swim)
(It’s easier to win, you’ve found
When I’ve already lost to what’s within)

But I see thru you
And I see how your heart breaks
When a blow has rung true
Hurt to the touch

I jus wish I knew
What I did to deserve this
The stones that you threw
That hurt so much,
…even when they miss

A leech, a desperate vampire
Searching for a source of some vague justification

A way to heal the wounds left in you by others
The tears lay open and exposed
You cry so hard and no one knows

Reaching out and blindly tearing
In the darkness so alone and wounded
For something you can take
For something you can use to hurt
And patch up your wounds at the same time

Shi-ne

2003-12-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

Flickering
candle in a glass chimney
So that I can see

It’s sickening
How my winds can take my mind from me
Blowing constantly

But this can hold them back
And keep the flame calm and burning clearly
The mental wall I hold so dearly
That keeps the flame alive

The flame, the heat, just rises up
But it still seems such a wasted feat
Of a focused mind (flame), distractions left behind (newly tamed)
But still nothing to heat

This bickering

Vision holding tight, to this guiding light

And while the wind blows there can be no thought
Just feelings that juggle and toss the flame
That hinders all for what I’ve fought
Sometimes it barely prevails thru the rain

The flame of thought, of consciousness
And the emotion, like air, it’s whistling downfall
With too much of it, the flame might blow out
But with none, it couldn’t exist at all

And what of the rain?

2003-12-28T21:39:00.000-04:00

Rhymes with “nothing”

A person to bring back the feelings of touch
The one to bring me all that I’ve missed
How can one person mean so much
When she doesn’t even exist

And what am I, what am I
Without something to hold, without a last dance
Without meaning something to anyone else
What’s a hopeless romantic, without the romance?

Trichinosis

2003-12-28T21:38:00.000-04:00

Raw (Trichinosis)

Because it’s not something you can just forget
Seeing the deepest, darkest I can be
And if you can’t, then you’ll regret
You saw what I had let you see

And I can’t understand, how I have, the need
To bare everything I hide
To show the things, I don’t want anyone, to see
To show what I don’t want inside
But what is always there

This me at my rawest, you know
Do you really want to see this face
The one under the skin
I’d give it all away, for my disgrace
To be without, this thing within

Why do I want to bear to all?
What I have yet to see myself
To feel again the things I’ve felt
And pushed aside and underneath
It’s cursing grin, it’s bearing teeth
Won’t hurt anyone from there
Except for me, but I won’t care

Putting it Off

2003-12-28T21:37:00.000-04:00

I put it off
I put it off
And I put on these dusty shoes
Because I’ll never run away
I’ll never run away
When slowly walking will do

The best things in life, could they pass me by
While I’m sitting here among my thoughts
I can’t try to do it, but I try to try
They’re all moving in lines, while I stay in one spot

Just waiting
My thoughts under the knife
The story of my life, passing by
Always thinking
Action never was my forte

I’m so fed up with being fed up
And so tired of just waiting
While the memory of what I wait for
Just continues fading

Simply Nothing

2003-12-28T21:36:00.000-04:00

Nothing, I say, is what’s wrong with me
Yet you always fail to see just what’s at hand
It’s what I tell you, and you don’t believe
I think you misunderstand

When I say nothing, it’s what I mean
Nothing that’s felt, nothing that’s seen
Nothing to keep me from falling between
The cracks in a person that I’ve never been

Nothing that keeps me standing tall
Nothing that’s stopping a deadly fall
This nothing hurts, and I can’t recall
The last time nothing hurt most of all

The nothing that I always tell
And maybe some day you’ll end up seeing
Past the laughs and under the shell
That it’s nothing I’m so sick of being

Masochist

2003-12-28T21:34:00.000-04:00

and the one that you turn to, she ran off, they burned you, too much to discern thru,
so close your eyes...wish it all away
you love it, you hate to say
but it's what inside that counts...and those feelings seldom go away

And suddenly I realize
Suddenly I see
That you cut so deep, and burn so intensely
But I’m the one holding you so close to me

The gasoline poured over me,
And you’re the lighter in my hand
I’ll drop it any day now

Damaged Goods

2003-12-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

No one wants these damaged goods
Damaged beyond repair
This can seem so unfair

What’s left of words, just “if”s and “could”s
And I don’t even want to know
Is this as far as I can go?

Make-shift stitching that keeps me together
Just a mass of open wounds and scars
As strange as it sounds, it tears and severs
What keeps me as one, it tears me apart

And anymore, no I can’t take
The wounds I can’t heal, and I can’t shake
Hurting so much whenever they break

Covered in vain, by the smiles I manage to make (fake?)

Brightest shade of blue

2003-12-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

How do you do this to me
You’re the only one I manage to see
And the single person we’ve seemed to become

You’re the only one that could ever hurt me
And the only one that makes my day
Could I survive if you desert me?
Taking the biggest part of me away

I like it, I love it, I’m crying I’m screaming
These tears the brightest shade of blue
What’s the point of something giving you meaning
That takes away everything’s meaning to you

Am I addicted to the edge?
About to fall from happiness,
the net’s below, but I know I’ll miss
To the abyss
Of emptiness
It’s bottomless, without you

Asleep again

2003-12-28T21:30:00.001-04:00

Asleep Again

The ceiling blurs away
The liquid warmth, it always stays
Resting on my eyes

And sometimes
Those precious few times
The clear collected pools of salty strife
I wished were the red of my veins within
So I could cry myself into the next life
Rather than just asleep again

To wake up tomorrow when nothing’s changed
I’m still a stranger, it seems
The only place I’m not a stranger is in my dreams

4th Degree

2003-12-28T21:30:00.000-04:00

The burns you left, they never went away
The words you said, the games you played, while I jus watched the skin peel
And I wish I could feel, I wish I could say
That it doesn’t burn as much this time, because the last one never healed

That’s not the case
It still hurts so much

And it didn’t heal
Jus learning to ignore it
Till I couldn’t feel

And it’s so unfair…
how I can’t repair, these scars

When the first ones still burn
Tell me when will I learn,

(Burning alive, in flames that no one sees
They look at me like I’ve gone insane, and listen to me scream
Shaking in a corner, whispering "please stop, please"
And you’re wrapping me in cellophane, and pouring gasoline)

Can you see what I mean
Can you see what I mean
How you fed the fire burning bright, and didn’t hear me scream

Could you hear me?

Withered

2003-12-28T21:29:00.000-04:00

It's so dry out here
The wind, it rips, it strips me bare
With all I've done, I've gone nowhere
But on my hands and knees

The sand takes away
The only life, the strife that stays
And I count my thousand ways
That my eyes just can't see

----chorus----
Where I am, who I was, what i'm searching for
Help me, please me...don't mislead me

Help me fly, desert sky, take me to the shore
I'm burnt and broken... the lasts words spoken
are never just goodbye....
----------------

The wind takes these tears
And carries them, so far from here
Up beyond the atmosphere
Where they can see it all

And I’m lost it seems
Strapped here, trapped here, without the means
To stop my splitting at the seems
And answer questions as they fall

(chorus)

Sometimes I just feel so lost
Like I can’t go on, I’m not that strong
God damn that’s so cliché
My heart feels black some days
Black and withered, like a rose so past it’s prime
Like it will never love again….it’s been such a long time

Win

2003-12-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

You always win
It’s not how you play the game
It’s whether you win or lose

Always had an eye for things
You could always stay outside of things
Always looking in
You’ll see what makes them tick
Say the things they want to hear

And you always played life like a game
Manipulating, Stepping on toes, but it’s all the same
You’re in it to win
Get ahead, and take the most

You’ve always played it like a game
But maybe you’ve jus played too well
Because among the things you got for you
Was the realization you lost to yourself

You jus managed to lose to yourself

And they’d all kill to be you, do you know?
Of course you do, that’s what you wanted
But it’s not, what you thought, it would feel like, though
And it leaves you feeling empty, haunted

You’ve won, it’s true
You’ve won, congratulations

You’ve won, bless you
And I hope, you lose your patience

With the phantom prize that you had won
With yourself the times you jumped the gun
When you didn’t stop to have any fun
You’re too busy in the race you run

Untitled

2003-12-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

I’m straining to endure
The absence of what I thought was so sure

I'm looking for answers, for the hurt that I feel
And the image I chase, just lost in the mists
If I can never confront, then how do I heal?
When the person I love, no longer exists

------chorus------
My dreams are the cold and frozen lairs
Of memories still missing you
But no matter how it hurts, it doesn't compare
To when I still wake up not kissing you

And the farther it goes, it's harder to face
And I find with this hurt I'm feeling the most
Goes with the love that I can't erase
The love of a memory, the love of a ghost

-chorus-

The parts of us, and you, and me
I've always loved, and come to despise
Because I could never fix what I can only see
In my lingering dreams...and in your eyes

I can see it in your eyes, because they never change
But I'll just tell you lies, while I try to re-arrange
Myself and all the thoughts, that I don't want in my head
The wounds from what I've fought, the hurt skin I couldn't shed

-chorus-

In my dreams
In your eyes
Just longing to say goodbye...

The Circle

2003-12-28T21:26:00.000-04:00

The Circle

And it turns out this time, my eyes chose not to see
And it turns out I was wrong
Because now I know, I haven’t run from me
But have been chasing me all along
In a circle

I guess I’m doing both, when just running in this circle
And I’m so sick of going no where
Sick of going no-where (x10)

You’d say I’m getting no where fast
But I know I’ll disagree
Because seeing how long this has last
I’m just going no where slowly

I just wish I could find the missing piece
Make this constant burning cease
The burning crippling my mind
Keep me from what I want to find
And mental walls, will rise and fall
And I’ll just keep on climbing air
Can you see, this pain in me
Can’t you see I’m going…no…where

Sick…of…go…ing…no-where (x10)
Repeat

10 000 wounds

2003-12-28T21:25:00.000-04:00

Ten Thousand Words

It’s so blank
Feels impossible to finish
All the thoughts that won’t go in it

And what’s put down, it never satisfies
It seems it never brings me peace
The words just broke and severed ties
To the thoughts I can’t release

------Chorus-------
And I’m running out of words to write
It’s not out of mind, just out of sight
As I stare at the blank whiteness of this page

And the pressure starts to build inside
Of ten thousand wounds I can’t describe
Of a feeling not quite sadness not quite rage
-----------------------

My mind’s beyond my writing
The words I want, not taught in school
The thoughts lay trapped and scratching, biting
The limits of letters can be so cruel

(chorus)

The words I never had are the ones I miss
Ten thousand wounds (words) I can’t dismiss
Ten thousand wounds (words) that don’t exist

Ten thousand words I’ve fought on this
Ten thousand words that drive me mad
Ten-thousand-word unconsciousness
Ten thousand words I’ve never had

Limitations of the tongue can be so cruel
We’ve come to believe we can be so wise
But how can we be when we feel such fools
To expressing the ways we feel inside

Still Chime

2003-12-28T21:24:00.000-04:00

Still Chime

I feel the sound, it’s underneath
Underneath this thinning super ego
This thinning super ego
I can almost hear it there
I’m afraid I fear it there

I feel so stagnant sometime, never lose or gain
And my purpose is ignored
I’d rather be a wind chime, in a hurricane
Than a wind chime kept indoors

And where is my wind
I need so bad to sing for once
To find where I begin
To see where I fit in
Let this out from deep within
Underneath my skin

And no matter what you say, the fact remains
That this call I can’t ignore
And I'd rather be a wind chime, in a hurricane
Than a wind chime kept indoors

And I’m not quite sure of how I’ve felt
Both a lover and a fighter, but this and nothing more
Some hands are good, and some are poor, but mine remains un-dealt
With nothing in this life to love, nor nothing to fight for

Let me chime
The quiet drives me mad sometimes

Shady Sands

2003-12-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

In the farthest reaches of my mind
They tell me what I’ve left behind
Echoes shout unconscious words
Words I always thought I heard
But I was wrong, now here I am in shady sands again
No one to take my hand again

The expression on your face
Etched in my mind with chiseled writings
And from it I can not erase
The thoughts that keep me fighting

-----chorus-----
Fighting what is said and done
As I die under this black sun
In these shady sands that swallow me
With forceful winds that hollow me
And the shadows always follow me
No oasis do I see
Do I see? At all

Of this desert sand I taste
As it blows about me viciously
This land lays my life to waste
Sucks me dry maliciously

(chorus)

I watch the sun as it rises again
But there’s nowhere I can hide
Not place to escape it’s choking heat
But I know I can
Try to last another day
And I know I can’t
Live forever
In these shady, sands that are never ending
It seems I’m fending,
For myself again

Reflection

2003-12-28T21:22:00.000-04:00

Reflection (two-way mirror)

Could a mirror every lie
I wonder to myself sometimes
It seems myself has passed me by
Lost in this deep sea of rhymes

-----chorus-----
And no matter how hard I look, how hard I stare
I can’t find myself in there
Like looking at a stranger, yet I don’t know why
I can’t figure him out with my eyes
Like I can with everyone else…
-----------------

And could the image ever despise
The person I have slowly made
I’ve made him out of shells and lies
While unhindered, the real him fades

(Chorus)

And he stares right back at me
Like a long deceased twin brother
One I killed so I could be
This hollow construct made for others

The mirror's eyes burn into me, the hate behind is all I see

His internal insurrection
Justified by what I’ve done
To make him not even a reflection
But just a reflection of one

An Ocean Compressed

2003-12-28T21:21:00.000-04:00

You were always so strong
So damn strong, you know
Your shoulders wet with others tears
Their secrets fly and find your ears
You’ll stand with them, to fight their fears

You don’t have to fight your own like this
When you hide everything that exists
So far down, it won’t be missed

-----chorus------
The water’s rising
The water’s rising
You hold it in, your walls so strong
So strong, you think you’ve been blessed
But the blessings a curse, because before long
You’re trapped in your ocean compressed
And your walls aren’t coming down
----------------------

You’ll hide it like you always do
Where no one’s eyes would ever see
So deep down inside of you
So deep you’re afraid to be…

And you’re everything to everyone
And you’d never let them know
Of the little girl inside that cries
After they all go

(chorus)

You’re deeper than you’d let anyone know…
But the water had no way out
Not with your walls built up around
You’ll scream, but they can’t hear a sound
How long can you tread water, dear
Until your walls collapse?
You know they won’t collapse
You made them that way
And now they have you trapped
Not after all this….and your stuck drowning

No Solution

2003-12-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

No Solution

And the tears, they fall
But they can’t wash this away
My face, it strains, release the pain
That I just can’t let go

And the blood, it pours
And it will wash this away
The cuts, the veins…just temporary pain
The kind I’d rather know

And can it be over now?
Can it be over
Let it be over

Blood and tears will never mix
But they always fall together

This is no solution, when the razor nears
But I’m kept inline by my doubts and fears
Of what’s waiting at the end of all these years
Is it more than blood and tears?

Like it Should

2003-12-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry
Sorry for this
all the pain I’ve helped you feel
And the heart you said I steal

To be friends with someone else, but friendship gets too far
To tell them that we shouldn’t be, but they insist we are

Things can come and things can go
We can’t comprehend
Hate to say I told you so
But everything must end

To deeply hurt that person, when it has come to end
And simply hope they’d still be there, just to call your friend
But this is not what happens, sadly never could
Because the other’s grown a hate that hurts me
……Hurts me like it should

Things can come, and things can go
We can’t comprehend
Hate to say I told you so
But everything must end

So sad to see it end this way
So hard to say it’s all okay

(chorus)

So hard to sleep here where I lay
So hard to see you break down where you stood
So hard to receive all this hate
That hurts me, hurts me like it should

So hard to sleep here where I lay
So hard to see you break down where you stood
So hard to deserve all this hate
That hurts me
Spose it should

Lifeguard

2003-12-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

Drown (Lifeguard)

What do you do
When it feels as though your mind is filled
With useless thoughts that you have spilled
Drowning the ones you shouldn’t have killed

And my life is full of people
Telling me I’m oh so deep
Like a cliff that goes from sky to steep
The useful thoughts, just led like sheep
Until they hit the ground

Oh so deep
I’m oh so deep

Well let me ask you this
And look in my eyes, as you tell me
What’s easier to drown in?
A puddle or a Sea?

Well let me ask you this
Can you see the dead ships as sure as I’ve fought them
And when you look into my eyes
Do you think you’d ever see the bottom?

Well let me ask you this
Can you feel the raw, unrefined emotion?
When you look at me, is what you see
A puddle or an ocean

Let it Shatter

2003-12-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

Prism (Let it Shatter)

Refraction, distraction, I can’t keeps my sights on this
This attention, and suspension, just can’t

You want it to be stagnant, and I try so hard
I know I could do so much
I know I could go so far

And I shine so bright, but all the light
It never lights my path
It splits and it refracts
The prisms glare, it still distracts
The light I use to see the facts

And I’m a world away
From thinking the way you want
And everything you say
It just doesn’t ring true to me
When I’m blinded by what you see
And see only what you can’t

And I shine so bright, the sky tonight
It’s lighting up to me
My prism helps me be
The lights it sends, lets my mind free
To everything I want to see

I guess it’s not so bad…jus a little different
Just a little different

I always was a little different

The Jester

2003-12-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

I have thoughts too, maybe much like you
Thoughts that run deeper
Deep and out of view

Jester come here, we need to laugh again
You have nothing to fear, because we are your friends (chorus)
Take the jokes we throw, we’ll hit you when you’re low
Receive blow after blow, with that smile you always show

Because to you I’m just a jester, this and nothing more
Here just to amuse
For taking you’re abuse

This scar just sits and festers, hid behind closed doors
You don’t expect to see
This wound within me
Do you?

No, because I’m a jester,
and I smile
Every time I’m hurt
I’m smiling all the while

(chorus)

To be taken seriously just one time
I’m tripping now, on this thin line
And now a-fire, my souls been lit
Bet that’s funny, isn’t it?
You won’t hear this too much from me
But fuck off, cuz it’s plain to see
Much more of this I cannot take
And my souls about to break
And I sit here, drowning in this lake
Of smiling faces
But they just laugh
Laugh at this jester

Jester come here, we need to laugh again
You have nothing to fear, because we are you’re friends
Take the jokes we throw, we’ll down you when you’re low
But laugh cuz we don’t know, of the feelings you don’t show

Hate

2003-12-28T21:13:00.000-04:00

I see her face, and I don’t get
How I can hate and love it all these days
And I hate how I hate her so much, but yet
I look for her in every gaze

The feeling stays, in so many ways
And I can’t leave behind
The hurt that travels, the hurt that stays
Inside that one place in my mind

I see her face, and I don’t get
How I can hate and love it all these days
And I hate how I hate her so much, but yet
I look for her in every gaze

No matter how far I run
Still with me when it’s said and done
And I walk towards the setting sun
But can’t move in this web I’ve spun

And with all that I do
To smash, to crash, to break on through
I fight the fact, but know it’s true
I hate myself for hating you

Frozen Flames

2003-12-28T21:12:00.000-04:00

And I can’t get how I can be so cold
Yet burn so hot within
Too have such fire in my eyes
And such thick ice below my skin

And how long will this flame hold out
Before it dies for good
The pain inside makes me want to shout
…Yet I know I never could
I know I never should

The cold bothers me, less and less each day
I feel it grow into me, and spread like icy trees
And the flame inside, doesn’t melt away
The icy blades of, this sub-zero disease

I’m so alive
Deep inside
The light it flickers, dances, spreads it’s heat
But it’s covered by always-frozen sheets

There’s no one to blame
But myself for this frozen flame

There’s no one to blame
But myself for this frozen flame

Doubt

2003-12-28T21:11:00.000-04:00

A work in progress, and lacking direction
My heart has never neared perfection
And I don’t get, how I don’t want her affection
Yet can still hurt from this rejection

---Chorus---
Cuz it still rips, and it still tears
Under the skin, my heart is bared
Rejection strips, rejection scares
Even if it’s not really there…

And I just wish I knew
What is it in me that makes me fear the worst
Of things to come, of things that be
The doubt beats the thoughts that should get there first
Those thoughts are dumb, and cannot speak

(chorus)

And the doubt and sadness drown it out
No matter how loud the rationale can shout
Left with nothing but doubt

Detach

2003-12-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

Should I detach, and care for no one
It’s a depressing path under a gray sky
To not care for or about, all under the sun
To ask no hows, and wonder no whys

---chorus---
And I can see the sky
It takes me away from here
Lost in it, I’ll stay and stare
Pretending I don’t have a care

The other ways, hold so much pain
From start to when I arrive
Tell me if I fight, and if I strain
Do I have a chance, to get there alive?
Is it worth the chance, to get there alive?
Just to see the blue sky

(chorus)

Is it worth the tears and blood I’ll shed
Worth the painful words you said
The thorns behind, barbed wire ahead
Is it worth it, the blue sky overhead?

Claustrophobic

2003-12-28T21:09:00.000-04:00

Shouting and scratching and tearing
This place is shrinking, scaring
The tiny space, so overbearing
Can I block it out and just stop caring?

I don’t see what I ought to, it seems I forgot to
Cry away the rest of this
And all the hate I’d never miss
I tear the wall it screams at me
And stare behind at what I see
Another’s left, how can it be
That I’ve been struck so painfully
By the thoughts I can’t control
Can’t take a hold, give up and fold
This hand is jus not fair
I’d break the mould, of souls I’ve sold
For less than all my missing cares

These windows are broken
But I can’t see out
The soft words I’ve spoken
Now rising to shout

These windows are broken
But I can’t get out

Burned

2003-12-28T21:08:00.000-04:00

Fire, fire, burning bright
Give him your heat, give him your light
Dancing in the cool night breeze
Catch his attention with such ease
So easy to please
For you

Tell me
Who have you burned today
As he tries to walk away
But you make him stay
He’s lost within your trance
(chorus)
And tell me
How has he deserved this
To make it onto your dark list
You know he won’t be missed
You’ll win another with your dance

Fire, fire, burning bright
Give me your heat, give me your light
Dancing as you always do
Beckon me to come to you
So easy to do…for you

(chorus)

And as you slowly burn away
I’ll be there, if just to say

Hate to say I told you so
But the hurt you cause comes back to you
And upon your weak flame it will blow
Now you’ve felt what hurt can do

Fire, fire, as you fade
Remember the friends you haven’t made
Hold yourself in your own heat
Because you won’t get any from those you meet
Not anymore
You fade

Shattered

2003-12-28T21:07:00.000-04:00

Broken-glass Puzzle (Shattered)

I try to just keep focus, ignore the painful cuts
So hard to do, when all the red is has stained the ground I stand upon
And I pick up the sharp pieces, riddled with if and buts
As what keeps me going spills around them, as they stick in me jagged and long

The wounds you cause, bound in rhymes
I can be such a masochist sometimes…

I can’t put you together, it seems
Don’t have the mind, don’t have the means

And every single time I falter
There’s something more to show
Another gash that cuts so deep

And the pieces just get smaller
And digging in too deep, I know
Work their way in, even while I sleep

…Especially while I sleep

I try so hard to piece it together
But with each mistake comes so much pain
So hard to forget, when I can’t remember
Why I did this to myself again
Time and time again

And who I am, well he’s been severed
And I can feel him start to crash
Like a puzzle I try to put together
One made out of broken glass

It starts to crash
Left with nothing but broken glass

Bridges

2003-12-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

Bridges (razor sharp shoes)

An Island to myself
And all connections somehow severed
How did this happen?
How could I let this happen?

___chorus____
So I stand there watching, wondering why
While my burning bridges flash in the night
All I had, all I want, now just black in the sky
I never meant to do this...I never even had a light...

The fire working so damn fast
And all my bridges, dust and ash
All connections, all of them lost
Even the ones I hadn’t even crossed

The fire burns so bright
I never even had a light

-Chorus-

And there I kneel, eyes watered by smoke
The bridges burn, like I burn within
And I look for the bridges I haven’t yet broke
Bridges not burnt, but still worn thin.

Among the Arrows

2003-12-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

Look to the sky and ask the stars
After your sad attempt to rest
Why you're only solace, near or far
Is the painful arrow in your chest

Chorus
-------------
There’s always room for another
Despite the many that are there
There’s always room to spare

My next unrequited lover
Take your time, aim and stare
I’m not going anywhere
-------------

I keep it there to stop the red
From pouring out this open wound
The pain keeps need for misery fed
This broken machine, so finely tuned

Keep it there to stop the bleeding
The pain will never start receding
And I’m not sure what I can do
Should this be removed?

(Chorus)

Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere

Twist it like I always do
I can never leave it alone
It ends up working so far down
To loving flesh, past weakened bone

Just let me close my eyes...

2003-12-28T01:58:00.000-04:00

What’s the point of living when everything hurts you so much.
All I’m feeling, and all I’ve felt this whole year, has been anywhere between apathy and utterly mind boggling emotional pain….the latter of which is tearing at me as type this.
Pain that seems to just tear away at the very person I am.
I don’t want to feel this! How do I make it stop! I can’t….I try so hard to just make it stop, but it just gets worse.
I hurt all the time…for some reasons I can plainly see, and others that are buried deep inside, hidden to me and everyone else, which just adds to what kind of astronomical torment they put me thru whenever the fragile glue holding me together comes undone.

It's failing more and more frequently these days.

So why do I go on…is it hope? Is hope the cruel tormenter that’s keeping me from just letting go?
Or is it fear….fear of what waits on the other side…after I forfeit this path for any alternative….
Maybe it’s just peace….how I long for peace right now….
This hypersensitivity is just destroying me…
Nothing can be worth what I feel right now…yet I always hold out a little longer
I feel like I’m staring at the sun with my eyes wide open, never blinking...knowing that if I blink, I’ll never look up to it again, and I'll miss what I want to see...

...I don’t even know what the fuck I’m waiting to see...

But it can’t be worth this, can it?
For fuck sakes, it can't be worth this.

Also known as Fate

2003-12-28T00:44:00.000-04:00

Why do I feel like life is against me sometimes?
I mean, it can’t be, right? Everything that happens (or doesn’t) is a responsibility of my own….
So why does it feel like every time I try to change something, another thing happens to counter it. Very reliably…so much so that I can actually sometimes call my on fate and get it right. Not like, it would be raining out, and I can predict, “I will get wet”….much more obscure, but only as long as it’s negative. It’s raining out, I will go out, get wet, but I’ll bring an umbrella…but it won’t open all the way, …and when it does, and finally shields me from the rain, a car will race by a soak me…
Does this, in turn, make negative things happen? This outlook? What other kind of outlook can I have if all I can remember, regardless of whether they were all that happened to me, are my defeats…
“My face has been molded by defeat”
…but only the part you can’t see

I just don't get it...how can I go on fighting against something that always wins?
...why would I...?

Pouring Gasoline...

2003-12-27T20:21:00.000-04:00

Burning alive, in flames that no one sees
They look at me like I’ve gone insane, and listen to me scream
Shaking in a corner, whispering "please stop, please"
And they’re wrapping me in cellophane, and pouring gasoline

Does anybody even read this, anyway?

2003-12-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

Feeling pretty defeated, today. I can handle that...in normal circumstances. Meaning, if I knew what I was fighting and what for...

In this case, though...I just feel plain laid-low...things are really starting to get the best of me, and I feel like I'm slipping further and further into a cold, frozen abyss that, eventually, I might not be able to climb out of.

If I had a reason to keep fighting, to keep climbing out, it would probably be easier... but the fact remains that I don't. I don't have a purpose, I don't have anybody who depends on me in any way, and I could probably just wander off down the highway one of these days without anyone even realizing that I left. And don't think that hasn't crossed my mind. It's crossing it right now. I'm a traveller...and nomad, at heart. I need a constant change of scenery in order to keep me stimulated, most likely because of my moving days. But now, I just feel crippled. Like a nomad at heart, with broken legs. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be, without anyone I know, with no way out.

I've tried school...but, it's just not going to work. I don't want to say I'm not intelligent enough...because I'd like to believe myself to be at least a reasonably intelligent guy...but I don't have what it takes. I don't have the drive, the direction, the attention span, or the work ethic to do anything in University other than waste money. Maybe these things can be worked on, but until then, I have realized these character flaws are a huge disadvantage in the "busy-busy, go get-em, bring home the bread, consume, consume, consume, make more little consumers, then consume some more" world of today. And as appealing as that whole lifestyle is....

So what else can I do? What else is left for someone? Community College, maybe? That wouldn't get me out of here. It would give me an education of sorts, but in what? Nothing I would ever want to do, as far as I've looked into it....

So now, I'm just waiting (that's right, still waiting) for the Armed Forces to call back and haul me up for a physical. I know for a fact that alot of people would never join the forces in the state that the world is in today, with our neighbour on some sort of "Holy Crusade" against terrorists and anybody who happens to live in the same country as one. You could very well be sent over there to fight, and maybe die. And, I realize this too....but it really has gotten to the point where I have to ask myself... if a life with no purpose or meaning is lost, is it really a loss at all?

I still shake...

2003-12-20T00:58:00.000-04:00

I remember the car ride...
I remember our old dark-purple station wagon, and me being rapped up in a large wooly blanket in one of the back seats, as dad frantically drove to the hospital, trying to divide his attention accordingly between me and the road. And everytime he looked back I could see a look that I've never seen on my fathers face until that moment...serious concern.

If you asked me what else I remebered about that night, besides the feeling of the boiling water washing over my skin, that would be it. I just remembered being in the back of the car. I don't remember hurting...not at all...just the feeling of the blanket.

Strangly enough, the topic of my burns came up in a recent conversation between my folks and me, and we all reminisced (for lack of a better word). I told my dad what I remembered of that drive, and then he told me what really happened. He told me I went into shock. Like, actualy shock, the kind you see on ER...my lips were blue, eyes were completely dilated, and my body was apparently spasming in pain. And that's all it took. That's ll he had to say, and the night came back to me instantly, as if someone had pressed play on a VCR in my frontal lobe. I remember the feeling of detachment. Not being all there. Sitting in the car, but living thru my eyes, sending my very self to somewhere, anywhere other than it's body. I wasn't there, and I wasn't consumed by thought, my mind wasn't somewhere else....it just....wasn't.. It seems to be a feeling that's all too common these days...is that why?
And the shaking. I remember the shaking so well...tremors that would rock my entire body until every muscle was exhausted, and then stop for just enough time to rest until I could do it again. And, for some odd reason, it still comforts me to this day. Whenever I find myself in a terrible, painful, or hopeless situation, my body would just start shaking, and I'd feel better. it's like i go back to that state of not conciously existing, and everything's fine. Even during minor stress, I've always been very fidgety, and would always have to move at least on part of my body at a rapid pace, whether I tap my foot, or just drum my fingers on a nearby surface. Could that be why? Some sort of distant associating with a coping mechanism used long ago? It's funny how the mind works, sometimes...

I'm not sure if misery really loves company, so much as it really just hates being alone...

2003-12-08T12:12:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me speaking, but there are times where I just feel like I'm waiting for somebody that will never come. Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I should settle for less? But would that be fair? To me an the other person involved? Maybe with time and effort, you could learn to love anyone? I just don't know anymore. What to do, what to think, how to deal with these feelings... The only thing I do know is how utterly alone I've been feeling as of late...like I'm just not connected to anybody. Even when I'm out and around, even with friends, I feel like I'm in a dark room by myself, cut off by my very own thoughts, my friends' laughter and musings just muffled echoes in the distance..."trapped in my mind, and the sound is deafening".

...(sigh)...how can someone feel so isolated and alone in a room full of friends? I don't know, but I manage to pull it off quite easily, it would seem...

That's one kind of loneliness, but it is nowhere near as acute and chronic (yes, both) as the desire for a significant other...someone to share everything with...to connect to, the kind of unspoken connection that has no other symptoms other than you just feel it there...someone to understand and who could understand me. But how could I ever expect someone to understand me when I barely understand me?

Man, it feels so long ago...and I don't even understand why. What's wrong with me? I may not be the best-looking guy in the world, but I'd say I'm reasonably decent-looking. I have a sense of humour...I treat people as good as I possibly can...sometimes better...I'm not stupid, like to think I'm reasonably interesting and unique, don't have leprosy (that I know of, anyway...although it would explain the missing fingers...).
Is it me, or is something wrong with everyone else? It can't be, that's impossible. Maybe my views of myself are just grossly malformed...

What's a hopeless romantic without romance?
I'll give you a hint; It rhymes with "nothing"...

My words don't work anymore...

2003-12-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

I just don't know....
i can't put these feelings to words....no words can describe them....this uncontrollable, unspeakable screaming pain, tearing and writhing inside of me right now, eating me from the inside out, and robbing me of the very core of what/who I am....

I've felt alot of things...physically and emotionally...i've had my 3 layers of skin melted off my body, and endured the painful rehabilitation that ensued for the following months.
But i would gladly go thru that again just to stop this....

I just want it to stop. How? How can I stop it?
Please, please, please just stop.
Please. I think i would do anything.

Bears hibernate...why can't I?

2003-12-07T18:41:00.000-04:00

I've just come in from shovelling heavy, wet snow while icy wind nipped and tore at my exposed face and ego.
Winter is now officially here.

I'm really not sure if I can take another one. Another long, frozen, lonely winter...the snow feeling like some sort of frigid barrier between me and the outside world, further accentuating the already-crippling lonliness and isolation I've been feeling the last...well, what feels like forever.

The Forces are my only way out of this frozen, continually claustrophobic Canadian cold...but, of course...I still haven't heard anything from them....and most likely will not until after Christmas, now. How I'm going to keep my spirits up until then, I really don't know...
(sigh)...any suggestions would be appreciated...

A definition in constant flux

2003-12-05T04:00:00.000-04:00

Happiness is only within. When it comes down to it, the only person that can make, or let yourself, be happy is you. It's something that is in fact made in your own mind. It's not in that new sports car, not your raise you get next week, and not even the beautiful sunset you saw this evening. Those things don't make you happy...they can only tell your mind to make you happy.

I like to think of it like this:
Happiness is always there, and always accessible, within ourselves. Everything else is superficial...just a lens that makes happiness appear closer...or, in other cases, farther away...while it's really always there, and always the same, regardless. If you teach yourself to see this, I think it's possible to be happy and at peace regardless of your circumstances. It has to be.

"Rich man cryin' cuz his money is time
Poor man smilin' cuz he knows he ain't blind"
- Sam Roberts

PS: I know, this is alot easier said than done. So, you can just go here. I find this place works for me. Thanks Nicole! :)

Of Doormats and Barbed-Wire

2003-11-27T03:21:00.000-04:00

Just sumthin I wrote. Just whipped it up now, stream-of-concioussness-like.
It's pretty raw, and unorganized as of yet, so bare with it.

I knew the path I took
And I always followed so well

Not born of strength, but only weak
Aiming to please is all I seek
A doormat role for all of the meek
With not an angry word to speak

Except the ones unheard
Except the ones unfelt
Except the ones kept deep inside
The jagged rocks beneath the felt

I'm not bragging, and I won't boast
Of what a nice guy can do
The life I knew becoming a ghost
Is much more a fault than you ever knew
…What a painful virtue

Running a race that I can't win, because I'm too far behind
And while I run, i look only to find
I haven't left the starting line

Changing ways seems not so hard
but only to those outside
Because in these shoes I've come so far
While staying still in all of your eyes

And changing the path of the walked on and sore
Could I even bother, should I even try?
When doormats bite back, why does it hurt you more?
Than the barbed-wired fences who bleed you dry…

Justin 1, Tom Cruise 0

2003-11-27T03:02:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Sinch - Bitmap

Just doing some writing. I haven't really done any all week, which is really unusual.
Next thing you know, I'm gonna just flat-out stop masterb......uhh......master......ing....my, uhh.....literary skills.....yeah.

On a completely un-related note, I took my swords out today for the first time I awhile, too. No, that's not any kind of euphemism. Please, I would be more creative than that. No, I mean my actual swords. I haven't practiced with them in at least a couple of months. Well, I guess I can't really say "practice", because that degrades the people who actually give hard hours a day to strict drills and things, whereas I just kind of "fool-around", mish-mashing anything I've learned about fighting and martial arts (probably not too much) into something that probably just looks more like a bad 80's ninja movie (you know...as opposed to the good ones). But, like sex, it's still fun, and reasonable excercise, if you do it right. Well, ok...not that fun. But at least it costs less ;)

What inspired me to take them out again? Well, Tom Cruise was on Oprah yesterday (my mom watches it, okay?), and he was showing off some stuff he learned for the filming of "The Last Samurai". Apparently, he was training with a katana for over a year and had put on 20 pounds.

Man, fucking movie stars. I'm not bitter, I just hate the fact that all a guy has to do is have good looks (not even, sometimes. Look at Burt Reynolds), impeccable luck and be able to make people believe he can cry in order to get paid obscenely large amounts of money for doing possibly some of the coolest stuff a person can do. Well, without the aid of psychedelic drugs, anyway. They're the great equalizer that allow amazing adventures to be had by the common people. After all, I bet Tom Cruise has never been a cop in a crazy world where crimes don't happen because they're predicted by psychics, or been trapped in a malfunctioning dream while being cryogenically frozen in the future, right?

Meh...I didn't need that finger anyway...

2003-11-24T04:11:00.000-04:00

Well...I went to bed at 12:30 today. And, I'm sure that if're you're reading this post, you're realizing what a miserable failure that was.*

So, unable to get any sleep whatsoever, I decided to grab a couple of clementines. Graabing the clementines and plate, I instictively headed to the knife drawer. Upon opening the drawer, I realized the folks had bought a shiny new parring knife, and it lay right atop the older utensils. I figure, why not give it a whirl. (Those of you thinking to yourselves; "It's just a new knife, who cares?" obviously do not live in Pictou County. I can tell you, without bursting into tears, that this would be the highlight of my weekend...well, ok...there might be a few tears...but it's more of a "quiet, hopeless sobbing" than a "bursting") So, I bring the gourmet dish I have prepared out to the computer to consume. And what follows...well...look at the title.

So I sat down, and picked up the first test subject. What I'd normally do at this point, would be make a small inscision in the skin (since I have no fingernails to speak of), and just peel it with my hands from there. However, it being a new knife, I decided I would "test it's metal" (No, it's not a spelling mistake, it's a horrible pun............ugh...hmmm....no...no, on second thought, it's a spelling mistake). Rather than my usual careful, boring slice, I hold the small fruit up and make a small, playful slash at it, seeing how hard i'd actually have to hit before cutting the skin. In retrospect, that was my mistake.

Unbeknownst to me, I was currently weilding the parring knife of God himself. The "playful slash" that I didn't even expect to cut the skin sliced right through the entire orange. It was beautiful, in a way. You know on those Anime movies, where two kick-ass guys/girls/giant robots of doom are squaring off, and both have a ridiculously sharp weapon? Blows are exchange, blocks, deflections, dodges and the like, until they both pause for a breath and maybe some witty banter. One of the aforementioned characters says something along the lines of "Is that the best you got". Then the other one relaxes and puts away their weapon. The first character is puzzled by this, until he suddenly feels a sharp pain and a thin red line appears between his shoulder and the opposite hip...then the top half of him slowly slides off the bottom one. Then, of course...the copious amounts of spraying blood.

Uhhh.....what was I talking about, again?

Oh right, the knife. So yeah, I just held the apparently unscathed fruit in my hand. I know I felt something, and I know I heard it hit. Upon giving it a squeeze, a large chasm appears, almost completly bisecting the thing. I started to think how cool this was, when I felt a warm sting in my left middle finger. I looked and, amid the abundant blood running down and completely covering my finger, I noticed that the knife had gone thur the clementine and almost sliced the tip of the digit, all the way down to where the nail starts, completely off. So, I just kinda placed the missing piece back to it's former spot, and wrapped it with a shit-load (or fuck-tonne...I didn't quite measure) of paper towel.

Well...by this point, there's no more bleeding... although judging from the whitish-purple color of the once-removed piece, it may be awhile before I can partake in any strenuous finger or hand activities. Yeah, there's a joke in there somewhere, but it's 4 AM, and I'm not gonna bother to find it.
Time for sleep.

* Those of you who still hadn't realized after this point, well...I don't really know what to say. Except that football should always be played with a helmet. Hell, maybe you should just go all the way and wear one all the time.

As bored as a George W. without an army...

2003-11-23T02:35:00.000-04:00

Yeah...that bored.

Listening to: Mr. Mister - Broken Wings (one of the few good things to come out of the 80's)

Well, I guess it's the usual weekend in exciting ol' Pictou county. The majority of the time so far has been spent driving underneath a sky the depressing color of old silver, weeping a constant sprinkle of rain that seems to last about 10 times longer than it does (not me, the sky). You know the kind. It's almost as if the rain is not falling, just suspended in the air as a fine malebolge of melancholy mist, and you wonder to yourself if you can stay dry simply by standing still (but it never works). God, I miss real rain. The rain we used to get when I used to live in Fredericton. That was rain. None of this drizzle shit. The sun would always shine, and when it rained, huge, dark, heavy, foreboding clouds of doom would roll in. The kind that upon sight, you wonder if they could possibly birth Satan himself (then, of course, you realize the Prince of Darkness probably has better things to do than fall from glorified water vapor...most likely involving the hideous and unspeakable torcher of the souls of the eternally damned ...or some-such). So, these huge mother clouds roll in, and it just pours. The kind of rain that's actually fun to stand in, especially on a hot summer day. And this would continue (very often accompanied by a nice clap of thunder and lightening every now-and-then) for about...let's see....2-3.....hours. Yeah...not days....or weeks, as it seems here in Nova Scotia. 2-3 hours, then the sun would be out again. Sometimes, when mother nature was feeling especially manic-depressive, the sun would even stay around in one part of the sky while black clouds let lose their sorrows from another part. Needless to say, the glimpse of the suns rays beaming thru a torrential downpour as a large portion of azure blue defies the heavy black pillars of vapor around it ...is nothing short of amazing.

(sigh)...Of course, i was 4-6 in those days...everything was amazing. The CD laying overturned before me would have been noticed for it's seemingly magical reflection into a distorted world, with an array of dancing colors that could make Liberace green with envy (possibly anywhere from "lime" to "olive"...I'll leave that to him). Now I look, and I just see the scratches and marks...wondering to myself it would even work.

What's the secret? Why do we lose all the sense of amazement and wonderment when a certain age passes? And, is it possible to get back?

Hopefully, one day, I could look out on the drab greys and browns of the soggy, winter-stripped foliage and trees, under the sea of moping grey clouds and see something amazing.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting...

2003-11-21T18:44:00.000-04:00

For those of you who doubt the ass-kicking...umm...ness (or "-ocity" perhaps?) of ninjas (Heather, perhaps?),
I urge you to take a look here.

You won't be disappointed. Unless of course, you are.
In which case, I strongly urge you to go here.

...And if that doesn't amuse you...well, then, there's no hope for you.

Gaze

2003-11-21T18:05:00.000-04:00

Let my eyes wander because I can’t let you realize
What they’re looking for
Let my eyes wander
Like all those times before

Is it just coincidence?
That whenever I look your way you’re looking mine
I wish I just knew
Knew what it was your eyes hope to find

------chorus---------
And I
Wish that things could be so much easier
And I
Hope to understand your ways
And I
Can’t fight your eyes
When they hit me with that gaze
------------------------

A deep blue fleeting gaze
That’s motives remain unknown
And everything else fades
And in my mind you’ve sewn
Those more than perfect eyes
That talk to me without words
That might just tell me lies
While the truth remains unheard

(Chorus)

A simple gaze, I catch your eyes
For only a second, but feels like forever
And only then do I realize
The connection I must sever
Cuz I’ve done this thing before
Seen things that just weren’t there
Can’t afford to do it once more
I can’t afford to care
The cost is just too great
On my soul and on my heart
For there are stitches there on unhealed wounds
That one more would tear apart

Regarding my newest links...

2003-11-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

Ever reviled, accursed,-n'er understood,
Thou art the grisly terror of our age.
"Wreck of all order," cry the multitude,
"Art thou, and war and murder's endless rage."
O, let them cry. To them that ne'er have striven,
The truth that lies behind a word to find,
To them the word's right meaning was not given.
They shall continue blind among the blind.
But thou, O word, so clear, so strong, so pure,
That sayest all which I for goal have taken.
I give thee to the future! -Thine secure
When each at last unto himself shall waken.
Comes it in sunshine? In the tempest's thrill?
I cannot tell......but it the earth shall see!
I am an Anarchist! Wherefore I will
Not rule, and also ruled I will not be!

- John Henry Mackay

One of my favorite Zen stories "The Gift of Insults"

2003-11-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

There once lived a great warrior. Though quite old, he still was able to defeat any challenger. His reputation extended far and wide throughout the land and many students gathered to study under him. One day an infamous young warrior arrived at the village. He was determined to be the first man to defeat the great master. Along with his strength, he had an uncanny ability to spot and exploit any weakness in an opponent. He would wait for his opponent to make the first move, thus revealing a weakness, and then would strike with merciless force and lightning speed. No one had ever lasted with him in a match beyond the first move. Much against the advice of his concerned students, the old master gladly accepted the young warrior's challenge. As the two squared off for battle, the young warrior began to hurl insults at the old master. He threw dirt and spit in his face. For hours he verbally assaulted him with every curse and insult known to mankind. But the old warrior merely stood there motionless and calm. Finally, the young warrior exhausted himself. Knowing he was defeated, he left feeling shamed. Somewhat disappointed that he did not fight the insolent youth, the students gathered around the old master and questioned him. "How could you endure such an indignity? How did you drive him away?" To this, the old master responded;
"If someone comes to give you a gift and you do not receive it," the master replied, "to whom does the gift belong?"

(whinces in pain)

2003-11-19T23:34:00.000-04:00

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow...
check this out.

Don't worry, it's not real.
At least, I hope not.....sweet jesus, I hope not...

Thinking in two dimensions

2003-11-19T20:59:00.000-04:00

The problem with looking at the big picture, or even the whole picture, is that you're still just looking at a picture.
Take away the borders.

Sorry to disappoint all the ladies...

2003-11-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Disturbed - Remember

Added a link to ebaum's world. A hilarious site, where you'll find such jewels as this, along with many other pics and videos.
...
Well, what's to say?....What a great picture.
Needless to say, marriage is not very high on my priorities.

Just something I had to share...

2003-11-19T02:32:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Senses Fail - Free-fall without a Parachute

I opened my email just now, and...well...needless to say, it's overflowing with spam. But, one document in particular caught my attention. I looked at it, read it....then blinked a couple of times, not knowing how else to react.
Yes, I think it's a sign...As soon as spam asks you if you would like to increase your ejaculation volume, the downfall of civilization as we know it can't be far off.

weeeeeeee.....

Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm twanscending weawities

2003-11-19T00:25:00.000-04:00

That's "realities" folks...just in case some of you "need a little more time on the whetstone."

Spending alot of time over at that mind-brain site, the one mentioned in the previous posts. Really interesting stuff. I think all of us would benefit from at least broadening our views a little bit, and maybe even a little exploring of the realms of our own consciousness.

I'm sure there are lots of people who get that kind of irritating "on the edge of your mind" feeling that something is not right. That there's alot more to things than just what our senses perceive.

I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not going to start jumping from building to building, trying to dodge supersonic projectiles, or engage in a destiny-defining battle versus the next balding, middle-aged man in a business suit and sun glasses I see (although, that would most likely be my dad, so I can't make any promises there). I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has ever felt the same way, that there's alot more to the world that we can't even begin to comprehend.
Another thing is during dreams. I think an episode of the Animatrix (the DVD of anime released around the time of the second matrix movie) says it best with something along the lines of; "Why does it feel more real when I'm dreaming?".

But, maybe it's natural for things to feel stronger or "more real" in a dream. I mean, when you think about it, in dreams your senses aren't actually perceiving something from the outside, but rather perceiving something your mind is actually making, so your senses are no longer fallible, as they are in the real world. In other words, they're experiencing the real thing. That is, the whole dream, everything that is there, being made to experience, we experience it. Now, since our senses are almost infinitely fallible in deciphering the world as we know it, since it's all just interpretations through our fallible human flesh (not to mention that what we can even begin to "sense" at all, compared to the rest of the electromagnetic spectrum is roughly the same ratio as the width of a pencil to the circumference of the earth), does that mean that technically, our dreams are "more real" than reality?

Just something for you to think about.
I know I will.

Cages

2003-11-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

We're confined by our language
Think without words
Be still and unheard
To your self